White Sands

A new addition to the family

2012-01-25T12:22:00.001Z

And no, it's not a baby!

Meet Basil, our new puddy cat.

We adopted him from the Cats Protection League in Belfast last Sunday after being assessed by them and approved a few days earlier. The kids couldn't wait to pick out their new pet. We had already been told about Basil and so we met him first and fell in love with him. Tarja and Barney came with me to choose him. But it was hard to choose. So many beautiful, friendly cats, all waiting for a home. How does one choose?? In the end we went with Basil because he was super friendly and we'd already seen photos of him and had him in mind.

It took well over an hour to get home, because it was rush hour. But Basil sat in his box on Tarjas lap and made no fuss at all. We had been told to keep him alone in a room for a day or two until he got used to the new environment, and to expect him to be out of sorts and scared.

But when we opened his box up at home, he came straight out, jumped down, did his own tour of EVERY room in the house and then started purring and cuddling! Within no time at all he was up on my knee, lapping up the love and making himself at home.

The kids absolutely adore him, and I get the impression he will be very happy here. He used to live on a farm before it was demolished and he became homeless. I can tell that he really wants to get outside into the great outdoors, but he will have to wait a few weeks until he is allowed.

The first night he snuck onto by bed in the night and took as much space up as he could! He is going to be one spoilt kitty!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-28T11:51:00.000Z

My baby turns 3.

2011-12-12T09:58:00.000Z

My baby has turned 3 and is really no longer a baby. She is a little madam! She is so like both Tarja and Barney at that age... but in different ways. She can't entertain herself for a second! But loves someone to play with. She loves Peppa Pig, swimming, going to the park, play dough and playing with her new 'doggies' set.

She had been waiting for months for her birthday and was very excited when the day finally came. This year we had a little family party for her at home. Her aunts, uncles, cousins and Nanny came and the next day she kept saying "wow, Mummy, everybody really loves me!" So she obviously felt really special and was feeling the love!

Here are a few photos of her special day.

Marrakesh, Morocco, Nov 2011

2011-11-29T11:26:00.000Z

Marrakesh has to be one of the most magical places that I've ever been to. It's like another world. Tiny streets filled with masses of people, motorbikes, donkeys, horses and carts, all bustling around competing for space to get by. At first it was a bit of a culture shock, but very quickly we realised that the people were lovely and felt really safe and at ease.

We stayed in Riad Linda which is in the heart of the medina. The Riad is a grand old house and we stayed in the Kings suite which gave us more space. Such luxury! The staff and owners were lovely and most helpful. But the best thing about the Riad was its closeness to the Djemaa el Fna or main square.

The main square is where we spent most of our time. The smells, sights and sounds were from another world. In the centre of the square are hundreds of stalls all selling traditional Moroccan food. One night we sat on a balcony in a restaurant looking down over the square. We just watched the hustle and bustle, whilst the steam from all the food stalls rose into the sky and across the mosque. Such an awesome way to spend an evening!

We spent days just wandering around the maze of souks, which are never ending. Getting lost was part of the fun but often locals would try to guide us to their shops in the hope that we would spend lots of money. Of course we brought back souvenirs and I got presents for the kids. We sampled all the Moroccan pastries and ate all sorts of tagines in various restaurants. You can't go to Morocco and not try all the local food. The only thing we didn't try were the snails. They just didn't appeal to us!

We did a sort of cooking course at the Riad, which turned out to be more of a demonstration. Then we ate it that evening in the Riad courtyard. One of the staff took us shopping and we both bought tagines to bring home, along with lots of local spices to cook with. The smell of the spice souks were totally intoxicating!

I would have been happy enough just wandering around for weeks with my camera as the entire place was just one amazing photo opportunity. I made Hank a photo book of Marrakesh for Christmas so that he can keep the memory of our amazing trip alive forever.

I could add hundreds of photos to this post but better not or the page will never load. But here are a few of my favourites. I would definitely go back there again. Without a doubt.

Tarja turns 15 in the style of Tim Burton!

2011-11-15T09:59:00.000Z

Wow, I am so incredibly late with updating my blog posts. So much has happened since I last posted. But first let me start with Tarjas 15th birthday. It's hard to believe that my baby girl is nearly a fully grown adult. But she is turning into the most beautiful, helpful, kind young lady and I'm so very proud of her.

We of course had a birthday celebration at home. She wanted money to buy a laptop with (she's
been saving for months) but she still got a few wee presents too. New clothes and girlie things. But this year she, her cousin and her aunties organised a special Johnny Depp/Helena Bonham Carter/Tim Burton themed birthday party for both Tarja and her cousin B at Nannys
house.

What a great night it was! Aunty J had made the most amazing Tim Burton themed cakes, and Aunty M put a lot of effort into food and decorations. Everyone dressed up and it was a memorable night.

Red Hot Chili Peppers, Belfast

2011-11-06T11:32:00.000Z

So after a full night of queuing I finally got be to only a few feet away from the real Anthony Kiedis! Yes I did! DREAM COME TRUE. Haha. Ok, so after a full night of queuing A and I finally managed to get our two tickets each to see The Red Hot Chili Peppers live at the Ulster Hall in Belfast for an intimate gig for the MTV awards, which were hosted in Belfast this year.

Another two hours queuing ensured we were pretty near the front of the gig, about 3 rows from the front in fact. This meant we were very close, as you can see from the photos. Hank and I had already seen them perform live a few days before in Dublin, but we were one of thousands of people there. This gig was much smaller and the atmosphere was electric. I had one arse of a man try to literally pull me out of the way to get my spot. When I tackled him about it he started grabbing me and trying lift me out of the way! In the end I smacked him in the head and he let go! Moron.

But the gig was awesome and I was on cloud nine. I've loved the Chili Peppers since I was 15 and this was an absolute dream come true!

A year of giggles and gigs.

2011-11-02T21:48:00.004Z

Doesn't everyone love being spoilt? Yep, I know I sure do. And last weekend I was happily spoilt by one particularly hairy man who chooses to go by the name of Hank. (Rolls up eyes).

Anyway, so two weeks back marked the anniversary of our very first date. But Hank decided to have himself rushed to hospital via ambulance rather than celebrate. So I spent our anniversary worried out of my mind.... but all was well in the end and the following weekend he was still in the land of the living and cooking me a yummy meal.

So to celebrate our one year of laughs, giggles and numerous gigs, Hank cooked me a yummy meal with more starters than I've ever seen before, a steak dinner and yummy desert too. Oh, and of course... wine. Lots of wine. He gave me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, and a card too. And what did I get him? Nothing. Zilcho. Yes, I am a bad girl friend. Whoopsies!

For the love of ROCK!

2011-11-02T21:38:00.002Z

I have wanted to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in concert for about 18 years. I already got to see The Black Crowes in concert back in July when 'Hank' and I went to England to see them. That was just possibly the most exiting evening of my life so far!

But this weekend coming I shall be seeing the Chili Peppers.... TWICE! Yes, twice! I managed to get tickets to see them in Dublin for Friday night. I was only able to get tickets by pre-ordering the new album which meant I was given a special code to order tickets 3 days before they went on general sale. And I am glad that I did, because they sold out within an hour. So I shall be seeing them with Hank on Friday, along with thousands and thousands of other people.

BUT.... I shall also be seeing them on Sunday in an intimate gig at the Ulster Hall in Belfast! And how did I manage to get tickets for that? See the photo above. By queuing for 12 hours, overnight, in the cold, in an orange body bag! Yes, I am slightly insane. But it will be so worth it to see them in such a small venue.

Thankfully it was a rain free night and not as cold as it has been. A and I were well prepared with hand warmers, sleeping bags, thermal undies, flasks of soup and wind resistant body bags. The hardest part was sitting on a small deck chair for 12 hours. By the time we got to buy the tickets in the morning, my entire body was in serious pain!

But we did it, and are now in possession of these treasured tickets which are selling for a small fortune on ebay! I can't wait until the weekend. I'm not sure I can handle this much excitement!

Halloween 2011

2011-11-02T21:26:00.003Z

My kids love Halloween. When I was a kid we didn't really do the Halloween thing. But we do now. Mostly because my kids love sweets. And being given sweets for free is something they love even more!

This was the first Halloween that little Rosie has really been aware of. She was most excited. This year her big sister took her and Barney 'trick-or-treating' whilst I sat in making a costume (but that's another blog post). It was nice to sit inside in the warm whilst they went out together. It was so cute watching them walk up the road in their costumes, all excitable. Tarja said that after every door they knocked on she exclaimed "let's do that again!", making the neighbours laugh.

We carved two pumpkins, both in a 'Nightmare Before Christmas' theme. One was Mr Oogie Boogie, and one was Zero the dog. Rosie was dressed as a cat-witch. She loved her new witch costume but insisted that she wanted to be a cat, so Tarja gave her some makeup for that. Barney wore his new Grim Reaper costume, which was... well... grim.

A little man turned 8

2011-10-30T22:55:00.011Z

Yes, my little boy has turned eight years old and is growing into a lovely young man, before my eyes. His birthday was a few weeks back, but it's taken me this long to write a post about it.

Barney has never had a bedroom decorated. He inherited his current room from his big brother, who in turn inherited it from whoever lived in it before us. It was a real mess. The carpets w

ere disgusting, the walls were in desperate need of attention, and it was completely cluttered. So, I decided that for a birthday surprise we would decorate his bedroo

m. He hadn't really asked for much in the way of presents, so we told him we were organising a surprise and he would get it when he got home from school.

Well, he certainly was suprised! And delighted too! Here are some before and after photos. His big brother also made a video of our efforts which I shall link to at the end.

These are the 'before' photos....

And these are the 'after' photos....

As well as having his room decorated we did the usually birthday presents and cake thing, so he h

ad the best 8th birthday a boy could have!

The video that his big brother made is here. If you are a relative and haven't seen it yet then

you simply must watch it for two reasons. Firstly to see the fabulous make-over, and secondly to see how talented Badger is at making films!

Here are a few more photos of the birthday boy....

Disillusioned

2011-10-30T21:46:00.000Z

dis·il·lu·sioned/ˌdisəˈlo͞oZHənd/

Adjective:

Disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less good than one had believed.

Rosie Art

2011-10-27T18:58:00.004+01:00

So, Rosie is becoming quite the budding artist. She is not 3 until mid December, but she managed to open 'Paint' whilst I wasn't in the room, and create this masterpiece entirely unaided! I was quite impressed!

Here she is with a drawing of a cat. I drew my cat first and then she copied it. Again, quite impressive! (She is also wearing my Snow White dress which is now about 32 years old and has been worn by all the girls in our family).

And lastly, here she is with her big brother after a good painting session. She was very proud of her work, and both pieces of art are now proudly on display in our kitchen.

Neglect

2011-10-24T16:53:00.000+01:00

Wow, I've really neglected this blog lately. And there has been so much happening that I really want to record. But now that I'm a single Mum to four I find I just don't have the time to blog.

But I must get to it soon and update this thing.

A dream come true

2011-08-07T23:11:00.001+01:00

I have, since the age of 15, always wanted to see The Black Crowes live in concert. It has taken me almost 20 years but I’ve finally made this dream come true! Seriously, this was the single most exciting thing I’ve experienced in a very, very long time. Ok, so it’s only a band. But it is a band that has shaped my musical taste and been with me through ‘thick and thin’ (haha, a pun for the Black Crowes fan there!) over many years. When Hank* told me they were playing in London and asked if I wanted to go see them with him, my heart skipped a beat, my stomach turned over, I did a little dance and screamed yes, yesssss, YES!

*(It seems an appropriate moment to mention that ‘Hank’ chose his own blog name (after several mind changes, the original being Horatio!) explaining something about sideburns and American truck drivers for his choice!!)

So, we decided that since we’d be flying to England for this gig, we may as well make a well earned holiday out of it. And that is exactly what we did. For four days we camped in my home of Kent, the beautiful garden of England. I took this opportunity to show Hank all the places that I came from and I think he really fell in love with the English countryside. The first night we stayed at my Dad’s place in Folkestone and sat up talking until the small hours. Then we camped out in my Aunt's field which was pretty awesome. The field is behind their house, is completely remote and has it’s own lily pond filled lake! (Plus we were able to use their facilities which was great, cos let’s face it… women don’t like peeing in a field)

Our four days in Kent were blessed with beautiful sunshine. We took many drives through the countryside to see oast houses and hop farms. We drove to the beach and had proper English fish and chips (after a few good English ales!). We walked around a vineyard in 30 degree heat (you simply can’t do that here!)

The very first day at my Aunts house she happened to be holding a big family party so it meant that Hank got the pleasure of meeting all my English family in one go. Poor sod. Although, he coped well and they all seemed to like him (regardless of the sideburns!) Then that evening he was even more blessed with a meal out in Maidstone town centre with seven women! Yep. I had a little reunion with some of the old Invicta and Borough Green school girls. We ate at the Wildwood restaurant and Hank was the only man at our table. But he seemed happy enough (if a little gay) and luckily no one told any desperately embarrassing stories about me. (Much to his disappointment!) It was absolutely lovely to meet up with the girls, some of whom I haven’t seen since the ages of 11 and 16.

I took Hank to see some of the sights in Maidstone that I remember from my childhood. We saw some of the old buildings and took a really nice walk along the River Medway, all the way to a pub called The Malta. The walk was just idyllic and the weather matched. There were canal boats and barges parked along the way, and some of the most beautiful river side homes and buildings.

We also had a little walk around Tenterden and stopped for an ‘English Cream Tea for Two’. If you see the photo below you can see that there was an awful lot of food for just two people. Comprising of tea, tuna sandwiches and salad, two scones with cream and jam, and four absolutely mahoosive cakes! We couldn’t manage anywhere near all of it and ended up taking some of it back to the tent…. where my Aunts dog ate it!

We took a day trip to Canterbury, because Canterbury is completely gorgeous (thankfully we didn’t bump into the local loon!) You can’t visit Canterbury without seeing the Cathedral. But more interesting than the inside of the cathedral was all the hidden gardens and areas around it. We spent a good hour or so looking around these before even entering the Cathedral. The stained glass windows in there were totally stunning though.

After the Cathedral, a pit stop in Starbucks and a wander around the shops, we ended up punting along the river with a tour guide and a couple of other tourists. This was one of my favourite moments from the trip. It was so tranquil and scenic, and so lovely to just lie back and float beneath the huge old buildings.

My cousin took us on a train trip to Hastings where we ate the largest meals I’ve ever seen at such reasonable prices. I was totally wrecked this day and could have just slept. We found a really cool rock bar and sampled some more English ales, then the boys spent some time wasting money in the arcades (really, I just don’t get those places).

But after four days it was time to head to London and realise my dream of seeing The Black Crowes live! We stayed in a travel lodge in Waterloo, for three nights, that was decent enough (and we had booked it at a bargain price months before!) The Black Crowes were playing in the Empire, Shepherds Bush, which was just a tube ride away and turned out to be a much smaller venue that I was expecting. Which was actually excellent as it made for a better atmosphere and we were able to actually see them properly.

Both Hank and I were beyond excited. Imagine children at Christmas…. and then double, no, TRIPLE that excitement. That was us! We’ve both been waiting so long to see them. I was absolutely out of my mind happy when the first two songs they played were two of my current ‘play every day’ favourites. Cold Boy Smile, and Soul Singing. Mega happy. Happier than happy. Out of this world ultra, mega, super happy!

Instead of having a support band they played two sets, the first being acoustic. Awesome. Just awesome. The awesomeness was only perfected when they brought Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin) on to play with them for the encore. Legend. Dream realised. Pure happiness :)

We did all the regular touristy things in London, and the weather held out for us. We walked along The Thames and saw Westminster. I pointed out St Thomas Hospital opposite the houses of parliament, which is where I was born. We saw Big Ben and Westminster Cathedral (although didn’t waste 3 hours queuing to get into it!) and spent a day in Covent Gardens buying souvenirs for my kids. We sat in a bar drinking Pimms and feeling ‘awfully English’ :) We went to Buckingham Palace and sat in the sunshine in both St James Park and Hyde Park. We conquered the London Underground system in no time.

My friend C won a free meal for all of us in Canary Wharf which turned out to be absolutely delicious! Hank was a real man and had half a pig on his plate. Not only was it lovely to have a free three course meal with drinks, but it was also lovely to spend some more time with C. Hopefully she will visit Norn Iron someday.

All in all it was a bloomin fabulous week away. I slept like a log every single night without anyone waking me up for bottles or nappy changes, and felt like a new woman at the end of it. I felt really rested and was ready to head home and be Mama again. Hank was darn good company too and just as I had always suspected turned out to be a genuine gentleman and an absolutely mahoosive Black Crowes fan :)

Happy times.

It's a jolly holiday.... (3)

2011-08-07T20:55:00.004+01:00

Rosie, Barney and I took another little summer holiday day trip to the butterfly farm and gardens in Seaforde. We paid for the butterfly house and gardens as it was a beautiful day. When we came out of the butterfly house it was tipping it down outside so we had to go to the cafe and wait for it to brighten up before we could visit the gardens and maze!

The kids purposely wore bright clothes in the hopes that butterflies would land on them :) Rosie got lucky several times. One big butterfly landed on her head where she had a purple butterfly clip in her hair. Then twice they landed on her dress and she was chuffed to bits! Barney wasn't so 'lucky' but he still had great fun filming them with my camera. We also saw the fish, turtles, birds and tarantulas too!

The gardens there are beautiful and I'd like to go back on a better day. We found our way to the centre of the maze (although it is gravel and I was pushing a tired Rosie in the buggy around that maze for about 40 minutes... which isn't easy and is damn exhauting!) and then found our way back out again (thanks to a master navigator... Barney).

Check out the last photo at the bottom.... because its just mega cute!

It's a jolly holiday.... (2)

2011-08-07T20:43:00.006+01:00

I've been promising Barney for months that I would take him to Carrickfergus Castle during the summer holidays, and he didn't forget that promise. So we headed off for the day with little Rosie and he was really excited.

It turned out to be a fun and educational trip. We toured the castle and the kids enjoyed the models of ancient castle dwellers that were there. We enjoyed a game of super sized snakes and ladders in the castle tower and then had a picnic lunch in the grounds. We then spent the afternoon on the beach throwing stones into the sea just the other side of the castle walls. It was a really good day out and even little Rosie is a bit obsessed with castles now.

It's a jolly holiday.... (1)

2011-08-07T20:36:00.005+01:00

It's the summer holidays and it's mostly raining but we have managed a few little day trips here and there.

A little trip to Tannaghmore Gardens and the free open farm there was nice for the two little ones. They got to see various animals and then we spent ages in the gardens looking at the sculptures and throwing stones into the pond.

No, I'm not a hypochondriac...

2011-08-07T20:16:00.005+01:00

....I'm just trying to find out why I feel like I've been hit by a ten ton truck so often!

Those of you who are used to me moaning about feeling unwell or who have the pleasure of my regular company will know what I'm talking about.

I'm just kind of writing this blog post as a reference for the future.

It's been a year now since I was first referred to the hospital mainly for investigations as to why I don't sweat (ever!) and why I overheat so often. A year later and I'm no closer to finding out why my body can't regulate its own temperature like most people do, and why I have days or weeks of every month where I wake up feeling like I have a hangover and feel generally awful.

A year ago at that first appointment they did take me seriously, but got sidetracked from my initial symptoms when they took my blood pressure. Back then it was averaging about 145/90 and was considered high. A year later it's been hitting 197/128 at times and is considered dangerous.

So, the average thirty-something year old doesn't have ridiculously high blood pressure. Even the ones who live on fast food, smoke 20 cigs a day and never get off the sofa don't have blood pressure like that. And I eat healthily and rarely sit down.

So to cut a long story short I started undergoing tests. Lots of tests. Firstly these involved taking lots of blood, and moved onto collecting ridiculous amounts of urine and a chest x-ray. They ruled out thyroid problems and adrenal problems, ruled out Cushings Disease and various other things from these tests.

Then I had a kidney scan, followed by an MRA scan of my renal ateries (an MRI scan with the addition of dye in the artery) which ruled out a condition called Fibromuscular Dysplasia. Then I had an ecocardiogram of my heart which showed my heart is pumping pretty damn fine and is really healthy (phew!) and wore a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours so that they could measure the full extent of the problem.

So all these tests took a year. I was back at the hospital last week to be told that they still don't know what is wrong with me or why my blood pressure is so high. The 24 hour bp monitor proved that my blood pressure is indeed high, both during the day and whilst sleeping. So the doctor started talking about making lifestyle changes, such as cutting salt out of my diet. I explained that I'd studied nutrition and hadn't been adding any salt to my diet for quite some time.

Soooooooo now I'm on blood pressure medication and have been collecting more pee-pee. Oh joy! I was told that my thyroid antibodies are high and that I may be developing an underactive thyroid but its too early to tell. The doctor went over all my symptoms again and then asked to look at my arm pits!! Hah, yeah really. I have various patches of vitiligo around my body including under my arms pits. This, along with the thyroid anitbodies made her decide to test for one last thing.... latent autoimmune diabetes in adults (or LADA). This is a very rare type 1 diabetes that can also cause the same symptoms I'm having. Because type 1 diabetes only occurs in children (apart from this rare form of it) and usually progresses very quickly (whilst this one progresses slowly) it is rarely tested for and usually overlooked.

God knows if I'll ever find out what's wrong. But the blood pressure medication has done wonders already. I am on the lowest dose, which wasn't expected to work at all, but which has brought by BP down to almost normal in under a week! Yay!

And the good news is that I haven't had a migraine for a few weeks now and currently don't feel hungover or that I've been hit by a truck!

Out Of This World

2011-07-22T22:25:00.006+01:00

Today we popped into the Island Arts Centre in Lisburn because they had a free exhibition called 'Out Of This World' on for kids. It's on all summer I think. And it is open till 10pm so we headed down at about 5pm and had McDonald's on the way home.

The kids had a great time. We were there for about 2 hours and not one other person visited in that time, which meant that the kids had the run of the place. There wasn't much to it... just two galleries with various arty space things, some dressing up stuff and a few games. If it had been busy it wouldn't have been so good. But because we were alone it turned out to be a brilliant little trip out. The kids particularly liked climbing in and out of the 'space orb'. Photos below.

Having girls

2011-07-21T19:49:00.005+01:00

I believe that I have to two most beautiful daughters that ever existed. Just look at them. Aren't they totally adorable? And they love and adore each other, that's for sure.

Tarja is like a live-in Nanny, or a second Mum to little Rosie. She's like a mothers help, and I'd be lost without her! I found these couple of photos that I took a few weeks back and wanted to post them onto the blog so that we can look back on them in years to come.

I hope my daughters will always be as close to each other as they are now.

A 16th Birthday

2011-07-21T19:07:00.009+01:00

I'm not entirely sure how.... but somehow I have managed to keep another human being alive for sixteen full years! Pretty impressive, don't you think? It is hard to believe that my first baby boy has just turned sixteen. I wasn't much older than him when he was born. The years are flashing past at a scary speed.

Since becoming sixteen only happens once and is a bit special we had a good old shindig for him, out in the front garden. Shockingly the sun shone for the entire day (it was one of the only sunny days we've had this summer!) which was perfect for outr outdoor party.

Now, in my opinion, one is never too old for a good bounce! So we hired a big adult sized bouncy castle, and some sumo suits for the crack. We erected a gazebo and filled it with air beds and cushions to create a sort of lazy area (which little Rosie mostly hijacked to keep out of the sun) and we kitted out the garage with food, helium balloons and music. Marty was in charge of the barbecue since he's obsessed with fire, and meat.

Family came, and lots of Badgers school friends and it turned out to be a pretty damn good day. I hope he enjoyed it and remembers it for years to come. Happy birthday to my baby boy who is now practically a man!

Hakunamatata!

2011-06-02T21:47:00.001+01:00

Video of Christmas 2010

2011-05-20T14:50:00.000+01:00

Christmas 2010 from Sam Mayger on Vimeo.

A royal wedding

2011-05-03T00:29:00.001+01:00

I had no idea that the wedding of Kate Middleton and Prince William was going to be such a big affair in our house. But little Barney had other ideas! I had of course already told him that we would be watching it on the tv, but he was all pumped up about it from the street party they had had at school and from what his teacher had said. When I got downstairs on the morning of the wedding I discovered the Barney had decorated the entire living room floor with dandelions! He had also made a walkway laced with dandelions from the hallway to the living room, which represented the aisle. To top it off he had made a ‘William and Kate’ banner for the fire place and was dressed in his best wedding clothes.

So we all sat together and watched the wedding. I remember how excited I was as a young child when Prince Charles and Lady Diana got married; and I could see this same excitement in Barney. I felt a little homesick watching all the pomp and ceremony on the tv. Rosie was delighted to see a real ‘princess’ and soon decided that she needed to wear a princess dress too.

So here are some photos that we took for Barneys facebook album of our experience of the royal wedding….

Prudence and Constance reunite…

2011-05-03T00:09:00.002+01:00

What a fabulous week we had last week. One of my dearest and oldest friends came to visit us. C and I were good friends at school, many, many moons ago. Our friendship became stronger when I moved to the countryside and we shared an hour long bus journey together twice daily. As adults we have remained close and no matter how long it is between our chats or meetings we always have that real connection that you only get with someone who has been in your life for so long. I miss her terribly when she leaves!

We had a lovely time (the day we went to Bangor.... didn't we???) whilst she was over.... with lots of day trips, and mini trips, and kiddie time, and time with friends. C is absolutely the bestest best person in the world with kids! Seriously. I would like to make her my full time Nanny! My kids didn't give her a seconds peace but she seemed to not only cope with it... but like it too!

So here are a few photos of our trips out and about. The first trip we took was a drive up the causeway coastal route; stopping along the way to see Carrickfergus Castle, to have a picnic by an old stone polar bear (that Badger was mightily unimpressed with!) and on to the Giant's Causeway.

I have promised Barney that I will take him back to the castle for a proper look around sometime soon. He was really impressed with it. We left Rosie with her Dad that day as she gets very travel sick, poor thing. And Tarja was away at a friends house, so it was just C, myself and the boys for this trip.

I took C for various drives about the place. Once around Newcastle and the Mourne Mountains (which simply can’t be missed on a visit to NI) and another time for a drive around Belfast to see the murals and other sights. We were just a little too late in the day for St Georges Market, which was a shame.

We ate way too much food as well! With two feeds at Maggy May’s in Belfast, and one all you can eat chinese buffet! Not to mention a gorgeous fish pie cooked by Marty on the Monday night (and re-enjoyed on the Tuesday with leftovers, nom nom!)

We spent a day at the Ulster Museum and Botanic Gardens in Belfast with the two little ones. (Oh and ate more food in the cafe there!) The gardens were beautiful as it was such a sunny day. It was lovely to sit in the sunshine and let the little ones play (Well, in all honesty I sat and relaxed in the sunshine whilst my temporary nanny played with the kids!) and eat ice cream.

Rosie was very tired in the museum so I spent a lot of it pushing her about in the buggy trying to get her to sleep. But Barney had his own personal tour guide (C!) and had his questions answered the entire way around. He loves the museum. Especially the room with all the gem stones and rocks in it. But I think his favourite part to see is the Egyptian Mummy. He impressed us all hours later by remembering that her name was Takabuti (which we had promptly forgotten!)

Since it was Easter C was with us for our easter egg hunt and the scoffing of the chocolate (as was Marty). She was also one of the fortunate few to enjoy one of Barneys ‘parties’ in his bedroom. Barney organises these events for every big occasion and he is really very good at it. He had food, drink, party bags, easter egg hunts and prizes for us all :-) He even tidied his room for the occasion! (With a little help from his Dad).

One of our trips had to incorporate a little visit to the orthodontist with Badger and Tarja. Badger got his train track braces fitted and I sat in the dentists room with him whilst C and Tarja did funny dances and pulled faces through the glass in the door. It was hilarious. C even did a puppet show for me to help pass the time before realising that she was in fact on CCTV and probably entertaining the receptionist downstairs! We of course incorporated some food into this trip too :-)

It was really nice that C was able to meet some of my friends on this trip. Last time she was over it was Christmas, and snowing, so getting out and about wasn’t quite so easy. We took a wee jaunt to Newcastle and had coffee (and more food in my case!) with A and J. As always, when A, J and I get together it usually turns into a session of major laughing and hysterics (usually courtesy of A) and this was no exception.

To top it all off C and I took a dander to Belfast to see the nightlife and I took her to my regular ‘Lavery’s’ where she met some more friends (and also K, who she had already met anyway). I convinced C to try the sloe gin and she liked it as much as I do! Ridiculous photos and lots of laugher followed.

That chocolatey time of year again.

2011-05-02T23:03:00.005+01:00

I really have been very slack at blogging lately. My only excuse is that I really don't get the time. But I have lots to blog about just now so I am going to do a little marathon blogging session before bed time.

This post is basically just a few photos from Easter. As usual we had the easter egg hunt around the garden. This was the first year that Rosie's really been able to join in and enjoy it.... and she was very excited about the whole thing! Running around the garden finding chocolates and then eating them.... what's not to like about that when you're two years old??

Badger thought he was a bit big to join in but I managed to convince him that it was good family fun, and hey, he got chocolate out of it too.

Oh, to be a kid again!

Iron and Wine, Dublin, March 2011

2011-03-27T22:49:00.006+01:00

For my birthday, way back in December, K gave me tickets to see Iron and Wine in Dublin. I've been getting into Iron & Wine for quite some time now but hadn't heard their latest album and had no idea how absolutely mind blowingly fantastic they would be live! The show was held at the Olympia Theatre in Dublin, and so we made a trip of it and stayed in Dublin for a couple of nights. We weren't even sure if this would be an acoustic one man show, or whether the full band would be there. But the band was awesome, loud, and totally pumping. They seriously surprised me and I had the greatest nights entertainment. The saxophonist was positively making love to that instrument (er, the saxophone, I mean!) and the percussionist was also very entertaining to watch. All in all it was an awesome night and I'm so glad to have experienced it. The trip to Dublin was also lovely. We ate an awful lot. Drank more Guinness than was good for our guts. And enjoyed each others company. One evening we stumbled into a pub with proper Irish singers. I heard them playing 'Duelling Banjo's" from outside and was reminded of my Dad playing this when I was a kid, so insisted we go inside. They were actually a really good wee band, and we were both most amused when a woman asked them to play quieter and then left in a strop!

A day out

2011-03-27T22:38:00.004+01:00

The kids were off school on St Paddy's Day so Dan and I decided to take the wee ones out for the day. The big kids weren't really interested in coming, or had already made plans, so we through a trip to Barneys old favourite place, the 'train museum' would be a good idea. A few years back we used to go here nearly every week! Barney was obsessed with the place. But it's been a good while since we last went... back when Rosie was just a wee baby, I think. It was a nice day out. It was nice that Rosie was old enough to run around the trains and enjoy the time with her big brother. She was really excited by some of the cars on display. Afterwards we went to Pizza Hut and made pigs of ourselves with lots of pizza, salad and ice cream! Nom nom.

Swimming, swimming, what do we do?

2011-03-27T22:18:00.003+01:00

Swimming... swimming... What do we do? ... We keep on swimming :) (From Finding Nemo)

Daddy's Little Girl

2011-02-17T22:00:00.003Z

This is a wee video Daddy made today of his wee Rosie. She is so beautiful. And growing up so fast. Two years old and such a character.

Rest In Peace...

2011-02-02T17:22:00.013Z

RIP my friend.

May you finally have found freedom and peace.

As all my friends and family know, and most of my blog readers, I have been writing to E for over 6 years. E was serving a death sentence and had been in prison for over 23 years. Last week the US government killed him by lethal injection in an execution that was surrounded by controversy and media coverage.

I am so glad that I got to meet E back in 2008. What an experience it was to visit death row, and to meet someone that I'd been writing to for so long. He was just how I imagined he would be, from his letters and phone calls. A very funny man with the ability to easily make me laugh out loud.

Over 6 years, countless letters and dozens of phone calls I felt that E had become my friend. Despite any crimes he may have commited, he had a place in my heart. 23 years can change a person, that much is true. I looked forward to his letters. I will miss the excitement of seeing that American stamped letter in my mail box.

A few weeks back, just after my birthday, E phoned me for the last time. We talked for over 40 minutes. Only now do I realise that he had phoned to say goodbye. He was more open than he had been before about what my friendship meant to him, and how me and my family would always have a place in his heart. He told me that I was the only person for many years who cared to give him the time of day, and that my letters had meant so much to him. Then he told me that he didn't have long left, stating 'possibly the end of January'.

The horror of this didn't really hit me until I heard the news that he had been granted a death warrant and a date had been set. I felt immediately sick. I spent the next two weeks in utter torment and upset. I had always known this day would come, but also always beleived it wouldn't. After all, nothing had happened for twenty-three years, so perhaps nothing would?

But the day did come. For two weeks I found it so hard to continue with daily life. The thought of E was constantly in my mind. The horror of what was happening. The execution was scheduled for midnight our time. I sat alone in my bed and spent the evening reading through the letters he had sent me. I had a glass of wine, played music, and discovered little treasures in the letters that I'd long forgotten.... little cards with cute sayings on them, a gold cross that was his mothers, drawings of me that he had done from photos, photos that he had sent me himself. As midnight came I said a prayer for him. I know he was at peace with God and looking forward to his final freedom. I lit a candle and sat on my bed surrounded by letters until the small hours of morning. His execution was delayed for several hours, but it did finally happen. The following day I read the news reports about it.

I felt a little peace after it was done. The horror of waiting was over and he was suffering no more. Now I feel sad that I will not hear from him again. I feel sad when I get my mail and know that there will be no chance of anything from him again. But I no longer feel so tortured.

I will miss E a lot, more than my words can convey. He brought something to my life and I to his. And I am truly glad that I took the time to get to know him. Rest in Peace E.

Well, that was a shit two years

2011-01-23T23:49:00.007Z

Yes, I swore, on my blog (so get over it - apparently I'm already going to hell so I might as well enjoy the odd swear word)

I haven't really been blogging lately. It's not that I don't have anything to blog about. On the contrary, right now I could probably write an award winning book about my life. Ah, but only if I had the time.

So 2011 has begun, and we are already a few weeks in. I had high hopes for 2011. Ok... not high hopes exactly, but I did hope for less heart ache, less pain, less illness, less hurt... and more of the good stuff, like laughter, good health, fun, love and happiness. I haven't give up hope of that yet. I just don't believe that January will be offering much of it.

I am pleased that finally the medical profession have realised that I am indeed struggling through some sort of illness and am not just a fat, unfit blob of self inflicted bad health. I provided them recently with enough blood and urine to fill a bath tub, and they provided me with something I already knew.... that "something is wrong with you Ms M". Yay, big clap for the medics. Hurrah. So what is wrong? Well, I have my suspicions and they seem to be testing in that direction, but all they will tell me so far is "that it is something very rare and will take time to diagnose". The fact is that they are testing for Cushings Disease, Conn's Syndrome or Pheocromocytoma. Whilst that all sounds very scary, in fact it means that something in my adrenal system is amiss. Somewhere between my kidneys and my pituitary gland has decided to turn against me and is releasing colossal amounts of hormones/steroids which make me feel generally shitey mcnitey. Also, my blood pressure is pretty much as high as it can get before it kills me so there is some urgency to find out what is wrong. My blood and urine came back 'abnormal' and I've been summoned for a renal and abdominal scan. Hopefully that will shed some light. At the moment I generally feel like my body hates me. And I am starting to take a bit of a disliking to it in return.

So. January has been a mixed month. On the one hand I am finally starting the process of finding out whats wrong with me. And I can say a happy good riddance to 2010 and every shit thing it brought with it. I have a whole new year to look forward to. Who knows what it will hold? There is definitely some good stuff happening. A very special someone has been making me smile a lot. My kids have been nothing but super stars lately and are making me the most proud mama ever. I'm starting to ponder on what to do with my new nutritional qualification, which is exiting. I have more good friends now than ever before, which makes me very happy. But at the same time I still find myself constantly tinged with sadness and loss.

And to add to all that I have this week been given some totally devastating news about a friend of mine, which I can not share on this blog at this time. But which most people close to me know about. And this news has absolutely whacked me full thwack on the forehead, concussing me, winding me and taking my breath away. I don't know how to process this, how to feel, what to think. Thankfully I have a friend who seems to really understand how this is hitting me, and without her I'd be lost. Most people just can not relate to this situation at all and the normal response is to stare in a shocked look or panic. I wish I could write about it on here. In time I will. But not now.

I must keep reminding myself that I am one of the luckiest people on the planet. That much is very true. And I have so much to be thankful for. And I am thankful. But I'm also stuck in a place of sadness and loss at times. Here are some photos of the last few weeks just to show that all is not doom and gloom :)

Airing the cobwebs

2010-12-19T00:50:00.001Z

My week away at a lovely, secluded little cottage in Ballintoy on the coast of Northern Ireland seems such a long time ago now. In reality it was just a few weeks back. But I’ve been slack at blogging (well, slack? Not really, more like busy)

It was a very last minute decision on my part to get away. Marty was willing to look after the kids and I needed a break like you wouldn’t believe. The stress of the last year was getting to me and I feared I might totally lose my marbles. So I found this little cottage near the Giants Causeway and booked it for a week. Then persuaded (ok, to be honest not much persuasion was really needed) two friends to join me. K and E. K could only come for the weekend as he had to get back to work.

We had a lovely time. Lots of chilling out. Playing guitar and music. Dark walks in spooky graveyards where coffins were actually lifting out of the ground and moving about all over the place! We discovered a little harbour and beach just down from our cottage and went exploring. And lots of eating… especially on my part.

E and I had more time to really explore the area. The Causeway Coastal route is breathtakingly beautiful. It was bitterly cold, and windy, but still so beautiful. E and I visited The Giants Causeway (the wind there really cleared our sinuses!), as well as various little beaches along the way. It was great to have nothing too serious to think about for a few days and to enjoy some fresh air. We had lots of giggles, watched movies, did the most ridiculous things under the influence of vodka and generally had a great time. E spent every evening tending the open fire and keeping us warm, whilst I mostly fed us.

Snow days

2010-12-19T00:09:00.001Z

I’m not going to write much on this post. I just wanted to make some comment about the fact that its been snowing through November and December. I don’t remember snow at this time of year before. It feels very Christmassy, but it’s a bugger when you’re waiting for parcels! Anyway, I thought I’d post some pics of the kids putting up the Christmas tree and out playing in the white stuff.

December Birthday Bash

2010-12-18T23:59:00.001Z

My darling friend J promised A and I last December that she would organise us a proper birthday bash this year. A’s birthday is on Christmas Eve, and mine is 29th December; and because of the timing we rarely manage to get people to go out and celebrate. It’s just such a busy time of year. So this year we celebrated it a few weeks early, and invited all our nearest and dearest. J organised the whole thing and did an excellent job. A and I were way over excited about it for many weeks before hand.

We met at S’s house for pre party drinks before heading to an Indian restaurant for a delicious meal. Mmmm, I have been craving curry since that night. Drool. Two of my sisters were able to make it, which I was pleased about, as well as some of my dearest friends. After the meal we headed off to party at Lavery’s – but since it was Christmas the queue to get in was ridiculous so we ended up at a students union goth night of all places!!! Watching the little goths dancing in their strange outfits was quite entertaining!

I had been quite sick with a fluey type bug for several days before and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make my own party. Luckily enough I was well enough on the Saturday night, although I really didn’t have my partying strength back. I would dance, then feel like death for a bit and sit. Then dance a wee bit more. Hehe. But it was all good fun. Both J and K went out of their way to make my birthday bash a night to remember. Thanks so much guys. I had a blast :-) and am already looking forward to next years!

Rosie turns 2.

2010-12-18T23:36:00.001Z

Even now, as I sit to write this, I truly can not believe that my baby girl has just celebrated her second birthday. The last 3 years or so have passed in a bit of a whirlwind for me. The amazing trip of a lifetime which was like a dream, resulting in the unexpected miracle of our little baby, all passed by as if I was in some sort of dream state. Being pregnant passed me by in a haze. Even the birth (which was by C section, under general anaesthetic) wasn’t a tangible experience. The two years since the birth of Rosie have been traumatic, eventful and everything in between. So, you see, the last two years seem to have passed me by as if I’ve been dosed to the eyeballs on a mixture of stress, torture, extreme joy and adventure! Since she arrived Barney has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and went through 18 months of real difficulties; two of my children have grown into almost adults; my marriage has fallen apart and I’ve become a single mama. Yeah. It’s been a hectic two years.

So I am forever grateful for this beautiful bundle of joy that is part of our lives now. Little Rosie is truly the happiest person that ever existed. She is a little miracle and brings only good things to our family. I can’t even begin to count how many times a day I hear myself saying to her older siblings things like “isn’t she just adorable?”, “doesn’t she make you so happy?”, “don’t you just love her to bits?” She is adored by us all. She fills every day with love, cuddles, and wonder. At the moment she is at that fascinating stage of life where she can start to express her wonder in everything she see’s or experiences. Little things that we take for granted fill her with fascination or excitement.

Her second birthday was a bit of a let down. The poor child caught the chicken pox a few days before her birthday so we put it off for a while. But we had to celebrate it a few days later as it is getting so close to Christmas. She opened her presents slowly, lacking in energy or enthusiasm. However she enjoyed the birthday cake and us all singing happy birthday to her. We had a mini party – just the six of us – and ate sweets, cakes and party food. That pleased her :-) I don’t want her to grow up any more. I like her at this age. She’s just so precious.

2010-11-28T23:11:00.002Z

It occurred to me that Tarja's birthday has come and gone without a mention on my blog, and soon it will be Rosie's second birthday. So I am just literally posting a few photos for family of the day Tarja turned 14; which was only about 2 weeks ago. She is the most beautiful teenager I ever did see :-)

Dawning

2010-11-07T22:38:00.010Z

It's been dawning on me lately just how awesome my kids are. When I think back to what I was like at age 15, I feel so proud of my kids and how totally lovely they are the majority of the time. Sure, they have their moments.... after all they are only human, like the rest of us. But despite their humanity I have to say that they are each remarkable people in their own right. Considering two of them are teenagers, there are rarely any bad moods in the house (apart from my own!), rarely much arguing or shouting, very little door slamming or sulking in general (again, apart from me).

The last few months have opened my eyes to what thoughtful, caring, well mannered young people they are. I am so proud of them, and also so sorry at times that I am not a better mother to them. I wish I was not only human. Anyway, I want to write a little about each one of them.... (obviously these are not their real names, as regular readers of my blog will know)

Badger - Badger is 15 now and in his last year of high school, the GCSE year. He doesn't really like school work, but he has an amazing talent for film making, script writing and such like. I honestly believe he is a Steven Speilberg in the making. He can spend hours, days, or even weeks writing scripts, filming, editing films and adding special features to them. I wish he had the confidence to show people his efforts as they are actually really brilliant. Badger is a very loving person, and extremely caring, especially towards his old mama. He genuinely worries about me, and wants me to be happy. He has an amazing ability to argue his point and not back down on a subject.... only to come back an hour later saying he has thought about things and was in the wrong. He appologises and gives me a hug. I think this is pretty damn amazing for a 15 year old lad! He is way smarter than he realises, and a real likable person. His creativity knows no bounds, and his imagination is just inspirational. For a 15 year old lad he is one of the nicest people I know. And I remember what I was like at 15. I was not one of the nicest people I knew! Badger fills my life with joy in so many ways. He is always happy, always cracking jokes, so full of energy and zest. Sometimes he gets up with Emily in the morning at the weekend so his poor mama can get some sleep. Sometimes he just cleans the kitchen for me, or tidies the living room, without being asked; so that I can get a bit of a rest. He is just lovely. And he gives me lots of hugs.

Tarja - Tarja is going to be 14 next week. She is beautiful, and always has been, inside and out. Tarja does her school work well, behaves at school and always likes to do her best with everything. She is a little perfectionist. She's rarely moody or nasty and mostly just breezes through every day without causing any trouble. She is, like me, an extremely sensitive person. From no age she cared for animals, insects and the planet Earth. I remember that year after year she would spend ages every day saving little flies and creepy crawlies that had fallen into the paddling pool. She has adopted an Elephant and would probably adopt every animal and orphan on the planet if she could. She is like a second Mummy to Rosie. About a million times every day I call out to her for help; things like 'will you make Rosie a bottle?' 'will you put the telly on for Rosie?' 'will you take your baby sister for a minute so that I can cook dinner?' She never, ever complains, and just helps out with a happy heart. To be honest, without Tarja I don't know how I would get things done. She is like a mothers helper to me, and she seems happy enough that way. The love she has for her baby sister is beautiful, and inspiring. Tarja has also gotten up with Rosie some mornings when I've really needed rest. She makes a good friend and is someone people like to be around. This house probably wouldn't run anywhere near as well without her.

Barney - Barney is a huge character, and the best company anyone could wish for. He is totally lovable in every way. His dimples make him even more adorable. Barney showers me with love, and cuddles, kisses and the most loving of words. He must tell me that he loves me about 30 times every day (as does Jimmie). He has a fabulous sense of humour, a very quick and curious mind, and a desire to learn about everything. Barney is absolutely, totally, devoted to and in love with his baby sister. He protects her, entertains her, and cares for her in a way that is deeply touching to see. They have a real bond together and I hope this will always last. She thinks the world of him, and he thinks that she is the world. Barney is one of the bravest people I know. He has faced far more than most children his age and has come through stronger and happier. This is something I really admire in him. He is such a happy child, always full of laughter, song, dance and chatter. He talks more than anyone I know. When Barney is not around I miss him badly. I can't wait to get him back into my arms, and to listen to his chatter. Every day I feel that I gain something so precious from having spent time with him.

Rosie - Rosie simply has to be the best behaved toddler on the planet? She never cries unless she really needs to, and always stops as soon as she receives comfort or her point is made. Seriously, I have never known a baby cry as little. She is extremely well mannered and says please, thankyou much, sorry, excuse me, or dont worry more times every day thank I can count. She adores all her siblings. Her cuddles melt me every time, as does her smile. If ever I feel that I can't cope, or am overwhelmed, a cuddle from Rosie makes everything worth while. The happiness she brings to this family is precious beyond words. We all love her to bits, and she must feel it because she is simply so happy to be alive.

So I am one blessed Mama, and not a single day ever goes by without me realising it. I have more beauty and happiness in my life than I deserve, and I treasure it with my whole heart. The last few months (but especially weeks) have been an extremely difficult time for me. I am always tired, always emotional, stressed out and possibly going slightly nuts. I've been snappy with the kids, impatient, less understanding than usual, and generally grouchy or tearful. I feel so awful that I can't always be the perfect mother for my kids. But through all this hardship I have had my eyes opened to what great little people they have turned out to be. The older two have been a great support to me, and I am so, so proud of the adults they are becoming. Although I am not always the best person I can be at the moment, I am happy to see that I must have done something right somewhere along the line, and that they have the skills they need in life to cope with both the good and the bad.

Positives

2010-11-07T22:24:00.003Z

I don't get as much time as I'd like to update this blog these days. Mostly due to tiredness and time restraints. However, I wanted to write a very short post to say that Barney has been doing much, much better coming off his meds than it originally appeared. A few posts below this one you can read about my concerns about him coming off the anxiety meds, but I have to say that it only lasted a few days and since then he has been doing remarkably well. He does have his wee moments of mild anxiety, but considering the stress we have all been through with other life events this last few weeks, he is doing amazingly well. I am so proud of him, and also so relieved.

Cuteness in the garden

2010-10-23T12:25:00.002+01:00

Rosie, at 22 months old, playing in the garden. This is quite a cute video and I thought the family in England would enjoy it. She's a right little character now. So adorable though!

Asperger's update

2010-10-22T10:48:00.007+01:00

I have been so proud of Barney lately. Last week he celebrated his 7th birthday The changes he has made in the last year have been phenomenal. It was just a year ago that he was practically housebound through fear and anxiety. A lot of this was due to sensory issues that we weren't aware of at the time. He has spent 9 months now taking a medication that the consultant said he would only give him for 3 months. In this time he has had a lot of therapy in the form of schedules, timers, breathing exercises, visualizations etc, from the Autism team. And he has also been attending weekly Occupational Therapy sessions. (see the photo below)

Well, this week has had his review appointment with the consultant; the same person who diagnosed him. He said that he could see a remarkable change just by talking to Barney. He really has been like a different boy, and it has been wonderful to watch him enjoying his childhood, instead of being crippled by fears and worries.

But because he is doing so well Dr M decided that it is time to take him off of his medication. Barney immediately panicked and curled up in a ball on his chair begging the doctor not to stop the medicine. I expressed my concerns that I was worried he may psychologically feel that he can't cope, and perhaps a placebo might be a good idea. He decided to wean him off the meds over 3 weeks. So he is now taking them every other day. The idea is that on the days he is not having medicine he will see that he is coping and gain confidence that he can cope without.

He is on day 4 of this alternating meds schedule and the changes are already causing concern. Thankfully, the anxiety hasn't returned yet, and for this I am truly grateful. But he is once again, very suddenly, a typical 'Aspie'. I hadn't realised that the medication had not only reduced his anxiety, but totally altered his personality. Whilt I love the aspie aspects of this personality, I am also very aware that they make daily life more of a challenge for him; both at home and at school. The staff at school have already called me in to discuss the difference. Then yesterday he went to what was supposed to be his last OT visit. But after seeing the change in him she decided she couldn't end his therapy yet. He was, to quote her words "a different child". He wouldn't listen, wouldn't take instruction, cried and sulked when he couldn't do something, answered me back rudely, had huffs and tantrums, dangerously hit at the equipment and wouldn't co-operate. He was also totally hyper, seeking movement and deep pressure stimulation and generally manic. The OT stood with her mouth open for most of the session and said she had not expected such a dramatic change. I felt like crying when I came out. What happened to the polite, well behaved child that I had been taking to OT for months?

Anyway, things could be a hell of a lot worse, and if they continue like this then we will all cope just fine. But I have a deep fear that things will go right back to the way they were, and I really don't want that for him, or for the rest of the family. Fingers crossed.

First supermarket walk

2010-10-17T10:52:00.009+01:00

This is just the cutest video. At Centra in Banbridge they have little kiddie sized trollies. This was the very first time Rosie discovered them, and she can now walk well enough to push one around for me. We filled it with bread and milk, and she thought she was a proper little Mummy. What is nice to see is how the eldest two really watch out for her, and protect her.

It's not dye... it's spray!

2010-10-17T10:40:00.004+01:00

I post a lot of these wee video clips onto facebook. But since most of the English family don't use facebook, I thought I'd post a few on here for them to watch.

Make up artist Rosie....

2010-10-17T10:20:00.002+01:00

Arghhhhh, I was lounging around in bed, thinking about starting the day, when I noticed how quiet Rosie was being.
Turns out she is quite a talented young artist, as you can see....

A day in the life…

2010-10-08T22:05:00.001+01:00

I decided to take an ordinary day and keep a diary of it. If for nothing more than for my kids to see how damn hard I work looking after them. So here it is… a day in the life of a single Mum of 4 kids………

1am – Emily crying. Drag myself out of bed. Stand over cot scratching her back and stroking her head for 5 minutes.

1.15am – Emily crying again. This time I bring her into my bed.

1.15-1.40am – laying next to Emily saying ‘close your eyes, go to sleep now, its night time’ whilst she says ‘No Mummy, big cuddles, play toys, Mummy’.

1.40-2am – Make Emily a bottle and put her back in her cot. Then lay in my bed till 2am wishing to God that she would go back to sleep. She eventually does.

7.30am – Alarm goes off. I feel wrecked. Drag myself downstairs to wake older two kids up. Put kettle on. Shuffle back into bed for 5 minutes.

8am – wake Luke up and realise I am half an hour behind schedule due to tiredness. Run downstairs to make Luke’s packed lunch. Make cup of tea. Nag older kids to get ready faster. Make Emily a bottle.

8.20am – Throw on some clothes. No time to brush teeth or hair! Wake Emily up and give her bottle. Nag big kids and Luke to get dressed quicker. Get Emily dressed and change her nappy.

8.40am – running round house like a lunatic looking for Emily’s shoes. Didn’t find them. Bundle big kids out of back door, and little kids into car. Drive to Luke’s school realising I still haven’t brushed my hair or teeth and resemble a yeti.

8.50am – Take Luke into school. We are running late. Carry Emily to classroom where we have special permission to get Luke settled before the other children due to his Asperger’s. Emily plays with classroom toys whilst Luke puts his lunch, coat, bag etc away. Then we chat or read stories until the other children come into class. I hug him goodbye and leave. This is massive improvement on last years shenanigans.

9am – usually Emily walks back to the car which takes about 15 minutes. But since I couldn’t find her shoes we don’t do this. She is not impressed. Distract her with stories of weetabix and yoghurt for breakfast when we get home. Drive home.

9.10am – Home. Put Emily in high chair and turn TV on for her. Make her yoghurt and toast. Make myself toast and tea. Check emails and facebook. Not much happening there.

9.20am – realise I left all Luke’s plastic bed sheets on line over night and it’s been raining. It’s going to take bloomin ages to dry them now. Queue up some music on Spotify to get me through the morning.

9.30am – Put a load of washing on. Spend 5 minutes hoaking through deep freeze looking for pastry and feel like I’ve got frost bite on half my fingers. Find one roll of pastry but probably isn’t enough.

9.40am – waste a few minutes playing guitar before getting Emily out of high chair. Whilst drinking tea. Learning ‘In A Darkened Room’ by Skid Row, ‘Call Your Name’ by Daughtry, and ‘Iris’ by The Goo Goo Dolls.

9.50- 10.05am – Luke’s Autism Therapist phones to see how he is getting on. Talked for ages about the improvements he’s making and how his OT is going. She is absolutely delighted to hear about his reduction in anxiety and panic. She tells me I’m one of the strongest women she knows which makes me choke up. Then I realise Emily is still in her high chair. Poor wee girl.

10.10am – 10.20am – Kitchen – Load dishwasher, tidy breakfast stuff away, spray work tops, clean high chair, wash saucepans, wash baby bottles. Little Emily thinks she is helping by opening and closing the dishwasher door. Bless her.

10.20 – 10.27am – clean fish tank, with help from Emily who thinks it is hilarious that the fishies are in a jug.

10.30am – set Emily up on kitchen floor with a big bowl of water and some spoons and jugs to play with. She sits on a towel. Will probably be soaked by the end, but at least it will occupy her long enough for me to fold a load of laundry.

10.33am – fold one load of freshly laundered washing.

10.35am – finally get around to brushing my teeth!

10.38am – tidy downstairs bathroom. Toys are still in bath from Emily’s bath last night. Put these away, clean sink and toilet. Find Emily’s shoes in here.

10.40am - Put the Lion King DVD on for Emily in the hopes that I can have a bath. A luxury I have been planning all week! Emily stands at side of bath and play with the bubbles. She washes my hair and back for me. Cute.

11.20am- Got out of bath to discover Emily had found the pot of Sudocrem (again!) and painted the DVD player, sky box, telly and sofa with it. Plus herself. She was sat there saying ‘bad girl, bad girl’. Arghhhh. Spend 5 minutes cleaning it up.

11.20-11.40am – get dressed, dry hair, notice Emily has ruined my favourite lipstick. Make my bed, tidy my bedroom, tidy shower room, clean toilet, collect dirty laundry up, tidy Emilys room, take laundry and bottles downstairs, take sheets and duvet cover off Luke’s bed to be washed.

11.40am – read emails, check facebook, read an article about the health benefits of Watercress. Make a cuppa and think about lunch.

11.50-12.10 – Make lunch for me and Emily – Banana, bagels and brazil nuts. Eat lunch and have cuddles with Emily whilst watching Balamory.

12.10-12.35 reply to emails

12.35 – put Emily down in her cot with a bottle in the hopes that she has a nap. Unload washing machine. Load tumble drier. Load washing machine again. Bring in sheets which got rained on and try to dry on radiators. Clean kitchen again. Wash more baby bottles. Re-tidy bathroom as I trashed it having a bath. Clean cooker hob top.

1pm – prepare and roast vegetables to make roast veggie quiches later for the wedding party tomorrow.

1.15pm – make one pastry case for quiche. Cook.

1.20pm – sweep and mop kitchen floor. Sweep and mop bathroom floor.

1.40pm – wake Emily up from nap so we can pick Luke up from school. Just about to leave when I notice her nappy has leaked. Change her nappy, and trousers, which makes us late leaving for school.

2.15 – back from school with Luke. Rush to kitchen and remove roasting veggies from the oven.

2.20-2.30 – whisking eggs, making first quiche, putting in oven.

2.30 – empty tumble drier and fold clothes into piles, unload washing machine into drier, hang up sheets. Cuddle a miserable Emily and give her chocolate.

2.40-2.50pm – cuddles with Emily. Snuggly wuggly cuddly.

2.50 – finish first quiche. Roll pastry for next quiche. Put that one in oven. Prepare whisked eggs and roast veg.

3pm – 3.20 – cuddles with Emily who is very grizzly and miserable.

3.20pm – make a cup of tea. Feel absolutely shattered and still have so much to do. Draining.

3.25-3.45 – finish making quiche. Luke breaks and whisks eggs for me. Emily has been crying for an hour and won’t let me put her down, so I am now cooking with a baby in arms. Then was up roasting trays, bowls, utensils and cheese grater, spray and wipe work tops. Still trying to drink the tea I made half an hour ago. Put a bowl of water and spoons down on floor for Emily to play with in the hopes it keeps her quiet for 30 seconds.

3.45pm – Jude gets home from school and I say ‘thank God you’re home’ and ask her to take Emily out in the garden for 5 minutes before I lose my marbles. Then I…. swallow down cold tea, change light bulb in my room, put mop and bucket away, carry lukes toys on stairs back up to his room, realise lights still dont work after changing bulb and that fuse must have gone. Contemplate how I am going to get to fuse box in garage, and how the hell I will know what to do when I get there.

4pm – Jude stands in my bedroom looking at light. Luke acts as call boy and stands at front door, ready shout ‘it’s working’ when I get the right fuse. I crawl around in garage changing fuses until I hear the call. Work out which fuse isn’t working, but don’t have a spare fuse to change it with. Nuts. No lights for me tonight!

4.15pm – lie down on my bed with Emily. Trying to work out why she is so upset and grouchy today. We play with a shape shorter and I phone Steve to ask about fuses.

4.30pm – Emily and I put the photos from Luke’s birthday onto the computer. Have a quick chat with a friend on fb chat about Banbridge Rock show. Give Emily a bottle.

4.30-4.50pm – accounts for nothing. Zombie time. Sat on the bed staring at facebook, looking at photos and recharging my batteries. Should have had a cuppa with me!

5pm – cook dinner and make cuppa. Whilst dinners cooking Emily plays with water again (her theme of the day) whilst I have a strum on the geetar!

5.30-6pm – eat dinner. Feed Emily.

6-6.10pm – fold more laundry from the drier.

6.10pm – 6.35 – ironing in utility room.

6.35-6.50pm – hung ironing away in wardrobes, put all clean laundry away in bedrooms. Then put clean sheets and duvet cover on Luke’s bed.

6.50pm – asked Jude to unload dishwasher so I could load it. She very sweetly loaded it as well, just to help. Bless her. She also sprayed worktops and cleaned the high chair without being asked.

6.50-7.10pm – wash up saucepans, baby bottles and bowls used for cooking dinner. Put previous washing up away. Put fish back in fish tank. Change Emily’s nappy. Pick up todys from around the downstairs. Empty and wash Luke’s lunchbox.

7.10-7.30pm – tidy living room. Put Emily’s PJ’s on. Make Emily a bottle. Sweep living room. Again. Find spare fuses and so go back to the garage to fix the fuse box. Voila, have light again!

7.30pm – Give Emily a bottle and tuck her into her cot. Really hoping she goes to sleep first time tonight, but not expecting it since she’s been pretty bad at bed times all week. Time for a cup of tea now…

7.35 – can already hear Emily calling from her cot. Damnit, how can she not be tired? I am wrecked.

7.35-8 listening to Emily shouting to me from her cot. Talking to Luke.

8-8.30pm veg on the sofa watching Eastenders with Luke.

8.30 So seriously tired that am contemplating actually going to bed once Luke is asleep.

8.30-8.45 messed around on facebook. Really I’m just staring at a computer screen waiting for something to happen. Must give Luke his melatonin and get him ready for bed. Jude is cooking shortbread in the kitchen. Must remember to pee at some point.

8.45-9.20pm – cuddles in bed with Luke. We went on his facebook and said thank you for his birthday messages. We had giggles and cuddles and I scratched his back. Then we laughed and listened to A Brimful Of Asha because he likes the ‘everybody needs a bosom for a pillow bit’.

9.25 – Luke gets ready for bed. He has taken his medication, brushed his teeth and picked a DVD to watch in bed. I’m going to get into bed too and chill for a bit. Usually now I would either veg in front of the telly, or play the guitar in the kitchen all evening.

9.25-9.40pm – finally get Luke into bed. Sam comes home. Show him how to reheat Chilli in the microwave. Pour myself a glass of Southern Comfort and Coke. Now getting into bed.

9.40-10pm – upload Lukes birthday photos onto facebook. Now I’m going to chill out for half an hour and try to get some sleep.

Good night!

Why do people lie?

2010-10-05T12:04:00.001+01:00

We’ve all met them… people who breeze in and out of everyone’s lives leaving a trail of destruction and deceit behind them. Compulsive liars who seem unable to tell the truth even about the simplest things; who lie so much that they seem to have no idea what truth is any more. From the tiniest lies to the hugest, most devastatingly destructive lies. I recently met such a person. Within 5 minutes of talking to them I knew they were someone who was happily light with the truth. Indeed everyone who knew this person soon became very aware of their inability to tell the truth. This person seemed to enjoy lying, but wasn’t very good at it. I remember hearing them claim to have studied 3 totally different subjects at University, for example. A harmless lie. But also pointless. Why do some people seem to enjoy lying to others? This person not only lied about things that would have saved them from embarrassment, but also about things that were totally unnecessary. They also told some huge whoppers that actually put the health and safety of others at risk.

A pathological liar is someone who feels compelled to lie about everything – big and small. These people often lie to look good, or to gain socially or financially from others. This type of person quite often manages to delude themselves and is often pitied by others. Some pathological liars may have a problem called antisocial personality disorder – in other words, a sociopath. Such liars often entangle themselves the longer they are around people; one lie leads to another; another lie is perpetrated to cover the tracks of a previous lie; and before they know what's happened they can’t remember what they have said to whom.

When a person lies (especially to a friend) they break a certain bond. They break trust. Coming clean about a lie is the only way to help mend that trust. But if the person refuses to come clean, or is forced into a confession, that bond of trust is very unlikely to ever be mended.

I don’t know if there are just an awful lot of lying scumbags out there, or whether I seem to attract them. But I am certainly getting good at spotting them, thanks to experience. How can you tell if someone is lying to you? Well, a lot of it depends whether they are a good liar or not. The person in my mind was atrocious at it! But some obvious clues are;

Avoidance of eye contact (oh this was a huge give away on this occasion)

Change in tone, pitch or speed of voice

Body language; fidgeting, pacing, turning away or hiding face or mouth behind hands etc.

Contradicting themselves

People usually lie due to one of the following… greed, fear, acceptance or habit. In this particular circumstance I think the person lied for all four of those reasons. Fear of not being good enough, greed in wanting things a certain way, acceptance by the people around them – to feel worthy or valued by friends. But mostly I think they lied out of habit. This person has obviously been doing this for so long, that they now know no other way of living. Indeed they seem to have totally deluded themselves as to what is acceptable behaviour, or what can even be believed. In one instance they told a ridiculous lie to cover their tracks, and seemed genuinely shocked when people didn’t believe it. A chronic liar does not need a reason to lie. They do not do it for any personal gain. They simply enjoy it, or can’t help themselves. They lie for the sake of lying and often they don’t even realise they are doing it.

Chronic or pathological lying is not characterised in the mental health diagnostic manual as a mental health problem in itself. However it is often viewed as a symptom of another mental disorder; for instance narcissism, psychopathy, delusional thinking. I am no expert, but I read a bit about lying after the situation I was in over a year ago with an absolute nutter of a woman (those who know me will know about this, or those who have read my blog). There has been some research to suggest that SOME people may have a neurological disorder of their frontal lobe. They have highly developed verbal skills, but their front lobe (which acts as the editor in what we say) get confused. They have difficulty distinguishing between reality as it is, and reality as they would like it to be. So often the reality as they would like it to be comes out instead.

However, for many people this chronic lying seems to serve no purpose more than to massage their egos, make them look better than they really are, or to make them seem interesting. They feel they can not live up to the expectation of others and so try to make themselves look more interesting, more caring, more understanding, more innocent, more successful, more powerful (you could write an endless list of mores…) than they actually are. Ironically I have noticed that their own defence when being caught out and exposed as a liar, is to accuse the exposé as the liar instead.

I’m sick and tired of dealing with such people.

My Mum,

2010-09-24T15:41:00.001+01:00

I’ve been meaning to write a blog post about my Mum for some time. Finally getting around to it. As you can see from the photos above she is lip-smackingly gorgeous! Obviously that’s where I get my good looks from!!

My Mum has been wonderful to us lately. In fact, she’s always been wonderful, but lately we have really noticed it. She is a pillar of strength; always there when we need her. The last few months she has taken my kids for me so that I can have a break, she has babysat for me, she has taken the kids to the zoo and the aquarium, all so that I can have a break from them – and they can have a break from me. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She has baked with the kids and left my fridge full of yummy food on numerous occasions.

And to top if off she has allowed Marty to move into her house, without any question of how long he can stay. She has housed and fed him, been there for him, and generally mothered him. Without her the last few months would have been unbearable. And so I am eternally grateful to my Mum for being the strongest woman I know, and one of the most selfless people too. She genuinely cares about her family, and always thinks of others first. She is a woman I aspire to be and I hope she knows how much I love and respect her.

Back to school

2010-09-08T20:39:00.005+01:00

Wow! Barney is like a new boy! Anyone who reads regularly will remember the trouble he had last year at school. At the worst point it was taking me three hours to get him into class. The very worst day ever resulted in a horrific situation where he threw himself at the classroom doors and window - a very upsetting experience for him, myself and the other children in his class, which resulted in his teacher crying at one point.

So as you can imagine I was dreading the new school year. Barney started P3 last week. His class is in a different part of the school, his morning routine has totally changed. Instead of taking him into school late and sitting in the staff room with him until he was ready to go in, I am now taking him directly into the classroom ten minutes before the other children arrive. We put his timer on, sit and read a story and then I leave as the children come in.

I can not believe how well Barney is doing! He hasn't shed a single tear. He hasn't panicked. He has been brave when he felt scared. Basically he is doing far better than I ever imagined possible! I am so proud, and so releived. The school situation last year resulted in him being medicated and was a really worrying time. This new Barney is just doing wonderfully.

I don't know if it is because he is a little older, or because of all the therapy, or the medication. Or even because there is less stress in the house now that his Dad is living elsewhere. But whatever it is (perhaps a combination of all the above) it is working wonders. And I am so, so, happy about it. I hope it lasts. Well done little Barney.... Mummy is once again, so proud.

Crashing back down to earth

2010-08-29T17:18:00.001+01:00

I’ve come crashing back down to earth today with a very sudden, solid thump. I shouldn’t complain as I’ve had a brilliant week. Marty took the kids for two days, and then my fearless mother took them for three days. My wee sis and her hubbie took the older two camping at the weekend as well. So I had a true break from the stress of daily life. And I enjoyed it thoroughly. I ate and drank far too much, did far too little, did almost no housework what so ever, and met up with friends every single day. I am now totally broke, suffering physically from so much neglect, and shattered! But a different kind of shattered to the norm. Ahh yes, it was good.

I really enjoyed the chance to spend more time with friends, and to cultivate some newer friendships with people who I hope will remain lifelong friends.

It was wonderful to get the kids back today. I’ve had more cuddles from Rosie today than ever before, and she’s been so happy to be home. I do really miss my littluns when they’re not here. But at the same time, I now feel really down. The impending doom of the new school year starting next week. Badgers final GCSE year, Barney’s un-doubtable daily panic attacks as I try to get him into school. The monotony of every day routine and school life all over again. I’m really not looking forward to it. And this year I am doing it all alone. I know it will be ok, but right now I just feel like running away.

I’ve been thinking lately about where to go with life now. I have my nutritional qualification now. The plan was for me to pursue that this year and get my business off the ground, whilst Marty took care of the kids and house. But that can’t happen now. So what do I do? Just sit about being Mum and watching life speed on without me? I’ve realised now that I have absolutely nothing here in Banbridge. No job, no husband, no friends, no reason for being here – apart from my house and the kids who have schools and friends here. I have friends but not one of them lives in Banbridge. I don’t know. Half of me is thinking about selling this big house, giving Marty his half of the money and just moving on. Moving away. Expecting nothing from him and being free.

I probably just need a good sleep.

Proud Mummy Alert!

2010-08-16T21:02:00.003+01:00

I was so proud of Barney this week. He attended a summer scheme especially for kids on the spectrum. His therapist phoned to say there was a place on it and she felt it would be really beneficial for him. The poor kid was a nervous wreck. A new situation, new people, the unknown - an Aspie nightmare.

I convinced him to give it a try as I know theres not a hope in hell of him attending a regular summer scheme, and I thought mixing with some other kids who think like him might help him. He only gets to attend twice before school starts. The scheme has just 4 children in it, so it's pretty intense. Four kids and six adults! That's some ratio! When he found out there would only be three other kids he felt better about going, but when he walked in and saw all those adults he freaked out. He was very upset for 5 minutes or so but then F (his therapist) and I managed to persuade him to go in, with his timer, for 5 minutes at a time, whilst I sat in the kitchen.

I was so proud of him for giving it a go. After 5 minutes he was having the time of his life! I could hear him above all the other children, laughing and giggling. All the kids helped make him a Spongebob scene to get settled in, as Spongebob is one of his favourite things.

Each child is making a huge collage of themselves. They drew around the kids on a big sheet of paper and are filling in the outline with photos, art work and various different activities. Next week he will get to bring this life size montage home with him. He can't wait to go back.

Since he was so brave, and I was so proud, I bought a huge chocolate cake to celebrate :) This made him very happy. He came out of the summer scheme saying "Mum, those kids all seemed normal to me!" And so I was able to say that yes kids with autism are just like everyone else in lots of ways, and that autism is only a little part of them.

Girl Friends

2010-08-06T22:31:00.012+01:00

I've been thinking lately about how lucky I am to have made some absolutely fabulous friends over the last few years, and to have kept some amazing women in my life since childhood. I was brought up not to treasure friends and often remember the 'church' subtly trying to discourage friendships outside of the fellowship. But despite their negative inflluences I always treasured every friend I have ever made. I think I am a good friend, and I value my friends with all my heart. When leaving the 'church' we left behind 90% of the people we had grown up with, had social lives with and were literally cast out as some sort of leper.

So, although it's not a long blog post, I just wanted to say a huge thankyou to the women in my life, who have been a tower or strength to me over the last 3 years (and beyond for some). I treasure each of you girls with my whole heart. Each one of you offers different qualities, opinions, ideas and laughs. Some of you do coffee with me and let me moan about school issues and sleepless nights. Some of you have listened to me for literally hours whilst I've poured my heart out to you. Some of you offer me fun, distraction and wonderfully happy times. Whatever you offer to me, I hope I give back something of value to you.

So to each woman pictured below, I want to say that I love each of you and am forever grateful to have known you. May we all be lifelong friends and never lose touch.

2010-08-04T18:36:00.001+01:00

4th August 2010. Emilys first real walk. She has taken about 3 steps before - for chocolate. But this was her first proper walk :) Excuse the cute, dimpled bare bottom.

No Surprise

2010-08-04T09:03:00.004+01:00

Every time I listen to this song I end up in floods of tears. But yet I keep listening. It feels good to let it out. I've been coping totally alone for about 3 months now and am mostly fine. I'd say I'm doing really well actually, considering. But when I heard this song and read the lyrics it was as if someone had totally epitomised everything that I've been unable to say.

Don't get me wrong. I think ours has been the most peaceful, respectful breakup that I've ever known. But still, 16 years have passed by. There are bound to be some sad feelings. And at the moment I really feel very sad. I'm finding it hard mostly because I seem to be the only one looking after the kids the majority of the time. And anyone who's spent a day in my mad house has probaly been happy for peace and quiet at the end of it! haha. Yeah, I'm needing some peace and quiet I think.

I'm not surprised that I have once again turned to music to help me heal. I always do. Last year when I went through a lot of shit with someone, and after coming out of the church, I used to play Apocalyptica's 'I dont care' every day. I'd sing as loud as I could to it and it was as if the words and music would get out the feelings I had trapped deep inside. It is still a song that I turn to if I ever feel angry. Which I do, a lot! Lol.

Maybe I've trained in the wrong profession! Perhaps music therapy would have been better suited to me! On a positive note I have just finished my nutrition course now and am waiting for that peice of paper that allows me to work (as if I well ever get time!) as a nutritional advisor.

Amazingly the Maize Maze Amazed me.

2010-07-27T22:54:00.007+01:00

Marty's parents were over visiting last week and so we took a day trip. Barney didn't want to go anywhere further than 15 minutes drive away which was proving to be a problem. We all wanted to go to the Maize Maze in Castlewellan but he wasn't having any of it! It wasn't until I found that they had a website and that it was full of pics and videos of the maze and activities, showed it to Barney and then he was all set for going! I really need to remember that he needs visual prompts to allow him to really accept new things. It's so simple but I so often forget.

The maze in Castlewellan is one of the few NI activities with a good website. Having videos and photos made it a gazillion times easier for Luke. I wish all family friendly places would do the same so that our autistic children can prepare more for days out.

So we all had a lovely day. Not only did we have a good go at the maze, but there were other things there too, such as a bouncy castle, sand pit, toddlers play area, swing ball, massive slide and football games. It was good because the maze was great for the teenagers and adults, but there was also something for the little ones.

Badger and his Grandad made one team, whilst Marty, myself and Barney were another team. We raced teams through the maze, searching for dinosaur clues. There were points when Barney really wasn't handling the whole maze thing, but a really nice guy who worked there gave him a map and that gave him something to focus on. I think his main problem was not knowing how long we would be in the maze. Time is always a big issue for him, and without his visual timer he is often more anxious.

A good time was had by all. Rosie played football with her Daddy. I beat Badger several times at swing ball, whilst he injured his Dad quite painfully in the family jewels with the same swingball! Rosie played for hours with her Granny in the sand pit. Tarja wasn't there as she was away with friends for a few days.

Afterwards we headed into Newcastle and ate fish and chips on a windy beach. I just love being anywhere where I can see the Mourne Mountains!

Recurring Dreams

2010-07-15T12:55:00.001+01:00

This is the second time in recent years that I’ve been experiencing recurring dreams. I have heard that dreams that keep coming to you over weeks, months or years are trying to tell you something important. I used to have the same recurring dream that came about every month, or every few weeks. It was the same every time. I would be walking around my house (I always knew it was my own house, even though it wasn’t actually a house that I’ve ever lived in) and I would discover a room, or rooms that were not being used. I would come up with all sorts of plans for this room and would feel irritate that it was being wasted. I knew what the dream meant. When I went through a bad patch my dream changed slightly. Instead of discovering unused rooms and making plans for them, I would notice that my house was rotting, going mouldy and nasty. Both these dreams meant something obvious to me.

Now I am having a new recurring dream. I have had it before but it didn’t come so often. Maybe once or twice a year. Now its every few weeks. In this dream I am trying to get to the bottom of a very high rise building. Think of the twin towers. That sort of size. I try to take the lift down. There are always others waiting for the lift too. When the lift doors open everyone piles in without seeming to notice or care that the floor of the lift is made of carpet and is all saggy and coming away at one side. The lift floor is about to fall out. Either I notice this and won’t go into the lift. Or I go in and then the floor starts sagging and I am left trying to hold on for dear life, waiting desperately to get off at the next stop before I fall to my death! And the other passengers are all chatting away happily. I either get out of the lift, or don’t go in the lift at all – and start to take the stairs to get out of the building. But because the building is so huge it takes me hours and hours to climb down the stairs. And to top it all off I have extreme vertigo the whole time and am falling all over the place, nearly falling over the stairs sides and down the huge fall to the bottom. I never make it out of the building before waking up and seem lost in a dizzy place, destined to fall to my doom! I don’t really like this dream, as you can imagine!

I have a fair idea what it might mean too. I might write another post sometime about what I think these dreams mean, but would welcome your suggestions as well.

Fun times

2010-07-12T16:54:00.002+01:00

Intensive Intervention

2010-07-11T23:59:00.001+01:00

Over the course of the summer holidays Barney is undergoing some intensive early intervention, provided by the Autism Intervention Team. ‘F’, the therapist he has been seeing over the last few months is organising this. Barney will be going to see a support worker weekly at the Autism Centre in Newry, whilst F works with us at the same time, in a room with one of those one-way mirrors. Then the support worker will be coming out weekly to the house as well to work with him. Added to that his Occupational Therapy appointments and he has quite a packed summer!

A lot of the work seems to be based on organising schedules and routines. The idea is that these will calm him and help to reduce his anxiety. They have made up all these laminated schedules for him to work from, based on a Spongebob theme, as that’s something that he really likes. We have to schedule the entire day, from breakfast through to bedtime. Every time it is time for him to move onto the next task, I give him a Spongebob token and he sticks it to his chart and takes the next activity off his schedule to complete. Each day he has three therapy cards to complete as well. The therapies he can chose from each day are on the ‘Choice Board’. Each time he completes one he gets a star, and if he manages 3 stars a day for a week then he gets a surprise. Therapies range from deep massage, pressure therapy, deep hand and wrist massage, trampolining, resting under weighted blankets, to simply time out in a quiet place.

Our hallways is fast becoming a notice board for all things laminated and velcro’d. It’s actually not that easy to get used to. Having one of the most unorganised women in the world as his mother doesn’t aid the process either! We did half a day of the schedule today and then I totally forgot to keep updating it, and it wasn’t until bedtime that we realised we’d neglected it. Doh!

Dear Friends,

2010-07-09T12:21:00.003+01:00

Dear Friends,

If you matter, then you already know the details. It’s good to have friends. Good friends always know the right thing to do. They don’t swarm overhead like a pack of vultures. If you are a close friend then you already know that I am happy, and that Marty is happy too. Sure we have our ups and downs. We are only human after all, and life is never perfectly blissful happiness. And if it was I’m sure we would all be boring nitwits. A bit of a challenge here and there can be very character building.

Marty is the most amazing person I have ever known. A very selfless person, witty, romantic, charming, energetic… amongst so many other things. He has helped me through the toughest times in my life, and shared the happiest moments as well. His boundless energy is inspiring. The man is like a machine! He loves buying presents, and springing surprises on people. Once he took me to New York for a surprise. He has been my dearest and closest friend since the age of 16. He has saved my life on more than one occasion. We will always be the best of friends. That is something people find hard to understand, or believe.

Why do people think that separation only happens when life has gotten too awful to bear? Maybe it is that way for most people. I guess the majority of people are scared of change, fearful of making mistakes, full of ‘what ifs’. Why do people let life get to the stage where it is too awful to bear? Why do they keep plodding on until both parties absolutely hate each other and can not spend a single moment in each others company any more? Isn’t it more sensible for the sake of everyone involved to sort things out whilst both are still friends?

I’m sure people have all sorts of opinions on the subject, but I just don’t really care for anyone else’s opinions. People will say that if things aren’t that bad then you should remain together. That’s their opinion and I don’t agree. And since it’s my life and not theirs I choose to do what I think is right; not what is least shocking for others. And I don’t ever want to get to the stage where we can’t be friends; where we have to drop the kids off in each others driveways without any communication, for fear of an unsightly scene or row. Now surely that would be worse for the kids?

The facts of the matter are that I grew up in a totally warped cult church. Looking back I have no idea how my parents were able to live that way. But they did, and so we had to as well. There are many aspects of that church that are totally f****d up; one of which is their dating policy. As a 16 year old I was only allowed to date if it was with someone I would consider marriage with. If marriage wasn’t on the cards after a few months, then the relationship was ‘advised’ to end. Not that it was possible to actually have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Alone time was not allowed, chaperoning commonplace; it was virtually impossible to tell if someone was good marriage material in that sort of situation! Many young girls in that church got married whilst still children. I was one of them. Fortunately for me, my fella turned out to be a real gem. Others were not always so fortunate.

At 16 or 17 years old you are still a child. Why on earth do people let kids get married? Are they really so fearful of sex outside marriage leading to eternal damnation that it is considered the better option to marry the children off? They might not be married to someone who really suits them, they might never have lived on their own or have any experience of adult life, they might not know who they are or what they believe or where they want to go with life – but at least they wont commit fornication and thus burn in hell forever!

As one of the lucky ones I have had 16 wonderful years married to the most awesome person that I’ve ever met. And I don’t regret a single day that we have known each other. What I do regret is that I never had the chance to learn about myself, be myself, express myself as an individual, and to grow. Marty understands this. He knows how I feel. Do you have any idea what it must be like to know that the life you are living was never really your own choice? That people or organisations forced you to follow paths that you would not have chosen if you had had freedom of will, self identity and security? You feel trapped. You start to get bitter and angry.

I have never, ever, lived as a single person. I have never had a chance to know myself or to spend time with myself. Without going into details, that has given me ‘issues’. My good friends know exactly what I am talking about. So no need to go into it here. But Marty, being the wonderful person that he is, understands. We need space from each other. We need time to grow. We need a lot of things that being together can not provide. But we will always love each other, and we will always remain close. We will be in and out of each others houses and lives daily. Some people might not understand this. How can a separation be happy? The fact is, that it is, that we are and that we hopefully always will be.

Dear Vultures,

2010-07-09T10:44:00.003+01:00

Dear Vultures,

What would you like to know? Would you like me to spin you a tale full of heart ache, trauma, lies and deceit? Would that fill your hunger for juicy gossip? Shall I tell you about how bad things have been, how unhappy everyone is? Would you like to revel in our misery and make your own sorry lives seem better for a while? Oh, yes, for things must have been absolutely awful. It must have been hard to carry on. Perhaps there were days when I thought it would be easier to end it all than to continue living this awful life? Perhaps every morning I would wake with that dead feeling in the pit of my stomach, wondering how I would get through another day? You tell me that I hid my misery well, that I appeared to be happy and that you can’t quite believe it. You want to know the details; what actually HAPPENED. You haven’t kept in touch with me for many, many years. You don’t contact me during the happy times to say ‘thinking of you’. So why now, when you think that my world is ending, are you so suddenly overcome with a need to tell me how sad you are on my behalf? Could it possibly be because you want to know the details? Or better still, why not just contact my real friends and ask them what’s going on? Perhaps they can feed your hunger for a while.

Would it excite you to think that I had locked myself away in my room, unable to cope, unable to eat, sick with heartache, eyes puffy with tears? Perhaps I could take to the bottle and drink myself to numbness for your titillation. Would you like to know if people are around me, supporting me at this time? You must think I am totally alone, for it appears that I must need your assistance, despite the fact that you barely know me/do not actually know me/don’t ever speak to me. In fact it is not even your assistance that you are offering. You just seem to think you have a right to know “what’s going on”. Perhaps you are one of the ones that think it would be better that a parent actually died than split up, for the sake of the children? Oh yes, I have heard that said. Shall I tell you that my children are distraught? That they may never lead normal lives again because of the horror of the things they have seen? Will you be there for the children now that their parents have totally lost the plot? No? Oh, I see you just want the details. Ok.

Rest assured that your words of disappointment, sadness and disbelief do pierce my soul and pain me. They have not been wasted.

I hope Karma bites you in the bum.

It was only yesterday that I was 15

2010-07-05T00:00:00.001+01:00

Ooooh the horror! Yes, this was me aged 15. Fifteen was my goth year. I started so innocent looking, and got darker as the year went on.

I am posting this because my first born son turned 15 last week, and I really just can’t quite believe it. When I look at those photos of me at that age and remember how things were, it’s quite scary. I thought I knew it all! I thought I had the whole world sussed out! I loved my friends to bits, studied quite hard, but had a hell of a lot of silly fun too. It’s a bit scary to think that Jimmie was born just three years after those photos were taken.

But enough about me. My Jimmie is now 15. The poor lad is the youngest in his year and so all his mates are turning 16. He is forever playing catch up. Jimmies birthday always marks the end of the school year and the start of the summer holidays here in Northern Ireland. To celebrate it we spoilt him rotten with presents (a newer, better phone with a camera, a big man size punch bag, weights, gym equipment, a new watch, clothes, chocs etc) and took him horse riding with his Aunties, Uncle and nieces. I think he had a good day. I think he was pleased with his presents. The punch bag is certainly getting plenty of use. As is the phone!

Almost walking....

2010-07-02T12:41:00.003+01:00

At 18 months Rosie is following in the shoes of her eldest brother and sister who all learnt to walk at this age. She has just learnt to stand alone and is loving it! But she has her own unique way of walking - rather than actually taking real steps! haha. I don't think it will be long before she's toddling about though. What do you think?

The Invitation

2010-06-29T21:28:00.001+01:00

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Hello baby!

2010-06-28T12:38:00.002+01:00

Rosie, now 18 months, discovered the web cam on the laptop today and was fascinated by the baby she could see on screen!

A movie by Barney

2010-06-28T12:29:00.002+01:00

Fun family times, and happy memories :)

A turkish wedding....

2010-06-27T22:10:00.011+01:00

My little sister looked like a beautiful spanish senorita on her wedding day. I sat behind our Mum as we watched Maddi walk down the ailse, alone, followed by our littlest sister Hannah. Mum was balling her eyes out and desperately begging for a tissue, which I did not have!

The wedding took place outside in the gorgeous Sundial resort; a secluded oasis nestled in the pine hillside overlooking Fethiye Bay. We sat in the 40plus heat waiting for Maddi to arrive. When she made her entrance she just looked absolutely stunning.

Maddi and Tom just looked so in love the entire day. And so very, very happy. It was a really nice family affair; very personal. The wedding itself was followed by a photo session, then a meal in the upper terrace; an open air restaurant just for our party. We had speeches and anyone who wanted to could say something. Then a little boogie on the dance floor before heading back to our hotels, apartments and villas.

The wedding was so memorable, so personal and very special. We all wish Maddi and Tom a very happy life together, and I hope that they are really enjoying their honey moon right now in Sri Lanka. Here are some photos....

In our glad rags

2010-06-27T17:09:00.007+01:00

I am going to write a separate post about Maddi and Tom's wedding. But I want to fill it with photos of the lovely couple. So I am just writing this little one with a few family pics of us on the day, in our glad rags.

Boy it was a hot day! Over 40 I believe. But we donned our best outfits, slapped on the sun lotion and had a lovely day in Turkey with our closest family. Everyone behaved themselves (I'm glad to say) - although we did at one point have to head back to our apartment for some time out. This was during the bride and grooms photos, so we weren't missed. Unfortunately for Barney, who was holding it all together so well... the music they had chosen at the end of the wedding service was the song that Barney has the most trouble with! Lol. I'm sure no one realised, but that Over the Rainbow song is a particular problem for Barney, so he got rather upset and had a bit of a panic attack, with some vomitting thrown in for good measure!

But all in all I think we behaved ourselves pretty well! Hehe. It was a lovely, lovely day. Such a beautiful venue. But I shall write about that more in my next post. In the mean time, for our family in England, here are some photos of us all dressed up. We don't polish up too badly! :)

We are in Turkey!

2010-06-17T10:12:00.010+01:00

Finally that time is here! Tomorrow is the wedding day of the year - to my sister and her lovely fiance. And to celebrate it the entire family (almost) has come out to Turkey to be with them on their special day.

We are having just the lovliest time here. We are staying at the Mozaik Apartments which have only been open for ten days before our arrival. Thankfully it is all finished and everything is brand spanking new, fully working and just lovely. The kids, needless to say, are having the best time ever.

The journey over was long but all in all the kids were really good. Rosie decided to stay awake for the entire flight (despite getting up at 4am) and then fell asleep just as we landed. Barney was quite sick the whole way. It wasn't flight sickness as it started the very second that he sat in his seat, before the plane had even moved, and continued for most of the flight. I think it was just anxiety. A few times he had a panic and told us we all had to get off the plane and go home, but we managed to calm him down and he got here in one peice. The night we arrived he was so over tired that the 'hated Turkey' and wanted to fly home immediately. I told him that he was just over tired and that in the morning, after a good sleep, he would really enjoy himself here. He woke up with a smile and announced "Mummy, you were right! I love Turkey now!"

Right now I am cooling down in the apartment whilst Rosie has her mid day nap. I can hear Barney and Marty out in the pool. Jimmie and Annabelle went to stay with my sister and her kids at their villa last night, and aren't home yet.

It is much hotter than I had expected! Yesterday was about 42, which was a killer! I was expecting temperates of about 27 - 28, so it hit me a bit hard! Today I am not finding the heat so debilitating. I don't know if that is because its a bit cooler, or because I am getting used to it.

The Mozaik is just really lovely. It has a lagoon style pool with an island in the middle, full of sunbeds. It is pretty quiet and there are always free sunbeds to use. The kids just love the pool. It's just the perfect place for everyone as it isn't too crowded and noisy, which suits Barney; it is close to the shops and beach which suits the big kids. The older two can come and go as they please, swim when they like and chill out in the apartment whenever. And I can sit here whilst Rosie naps without being too far from everyone else.

Here are some photos....

On Tuesday night the entire party met up for a meal. Walking down the market street in such a large group, every restaurant was coming out and begging us to eat with them! They were all pretty empty. In the end we had a lovely meal and a few of us chose traditional Turkish food, including myself. I have no idea what I was eating, but it was certainly delicious! I think I like Turkish food :)

Look who is growing up?

2010-06-08T23:09:00.001+01:00

Rosie is almost 18 months old, and is no longer a baby, but a beautiful young lady. She can’t walk yet, which isn’t surprising as none of my others walked until after 18 months. But she likes to walk holding onto my hands. She is really learning to talk though. And so quickly. She will try to repeat anything that is said to her, and answers all questions with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. She can call her brothers and sister’s names when she wants them, and shouts for them like a right bossy little madam! Tarja taught her to say ‘Lady Gaga!’ Every day with her is a gift. She is at that wonderful stage where every little part of life is filled with great wonder. A ladybird, a daisy, the birds, a horse in a field, the bin man collecting the rubbish… everything fascinates her. She wants to point at things and hear what they are called, so that she can try to repeat and memorise it. She is learning to assert her own authority and can have quite the temper tantrum if she doesn’t get her own way. She knows what she wants, and doesn’t want!

Can I show you my tits?

2010-06-08T22:03:00.001+01:00

Blue tits that is!

Aren’t they just adorable? This little bird box has been in our garden for years, and never had any residents. Granddad John made it with Badger one summer when he was over visiting. But this year (horray!!) we have little visitors. It was a good while ago that we realised a Mummy bird was nesting in this box. Then we noticed that the eggs must have hatched because suddenly she was very, very busy flying in and out constantly collecting food for her little ones. She is such a hard working Mummy. It warms the heart to watch her. When the sun shines just right in the early evening, it shines into the box and you can see little beaks open, waiting for food. The kids are mesmerized by them. The last day or so one little bird has gotten big enough to poke its wee head out of the hole. When Mummy returns you can hear a lot of excited chirping. As soon as Mummy leaves baby bird pokes its little head out and waits patiently for her return. I can see the box from my kitchen window and I get lost in time just watching them.

Occupational Therapy is Fun!

2010-06-07T17:58:00.010+01:00

It's been so long since I've updated on all the general goings on. Today I'm playing a mini catch up, although I've missed absolutely heaps. I'm in bed with a miserable cold today, so blogging for a bit to pass time.

Barney has started seeing an Occupational Therapist at Lurgan Hospital. She specialises in helping children on the autistic spectrum. So far he has been to two appointments and absolutely loved every single minute. It's just so much fun. At the first appointment he had to complete a sort of written test. He sat at a desk and copied shapes and drawings with a pencil. Then he drew a picture of his Dad. The OT noticed that he really pushes the pencil heavily into the paper, a common problem with children on the spectrum who may press either too lightly or too heavily. From watching him she was able to notice that he needs deep pressure but can not bare light pressure. That makes perfect sense now I think about it. He likes deep squeezes and cuddles and is very heavy handed, often hurting himself or others without meaning to. He is quite clumsy. But he hates it when people brush past him, or touch him lightly.

So she has been doing some deep pressure therapy with him. The idea is that children who need deep pressure get anxious and need the pressure to let off steam. I'm not sure I'm exactly describing it correctly! But she said that if he gets anxious at school, coping with the noises and hustle n bustle, that a session of deep pressure therapy will get the stress out and leave him feeling more able to cope. So she has been teaching us ways to do this. And Barney loves these ways! They involve rolling around on peanut shaped balls, putting heavy pressure on his arms; wheelbarrow walking; walking with his arms in a big hammock; hanging upside down from rubber rings; and skateboarding on his belly with his arms.

As you can imagine, there is not much that little boys like more than this sort of thing! He also crawls around on his belly, comando style, until huge weighted blankets, feeling for beanie babies in the dark. The OT makes everything fun. In the first photo he is in a hammock collect magnetic fish with a stick and putting them into a puzzle. So he is using deep pressure on his arms without realising that he is actually doing exercise or therapy.

The OT noticed that when she swung him in the hammock, without him using the deep pressure, he went absolutely hyper - giggling hysterically. She got the giggles too. He was manic. Then when she asked him to use his arms to move his body he calmed right down. She said this was a sign that movement really stimulates him. Since this was fun it made him giggle, but in another situation too much movement could cause him extreme anxiety and give him the panic attacks that he gets. I thought that was very interesting. Movement could be his body driving along in a car, people darting about near him (as in a supermarket or at school), etc. So when he gets panicked he needs deep pressure.

She taught me some deep pressure massage to use on his hands and arms. Although apparently I don't do it as well as she does - or so I'm told! She said that light touch would totally send him nuts, so it is important to use real hard, deep pressure. When she massaged his hands for the first time she said his wee finger muscles were the tensest she had ever felt in such a young child... obviously clenching his fists a lot with stress. Within seconds of her touching them they relaxed right out. It was quite amazing. She only spent about 1 - 2 minutes on each hand, but it sent Barney into a deep relaxation mode and he asked to lie down and sleep! She covered him with a weighted blanket and left him chilling out. I was quite astounded! It never seems to have such a great effect when I try it on him though!

The other thing I wanted to quickly blog about, was the recent meeting I had with Barneys teacher and SENCO. I told them how hard he finds sitting with the other children and that I feel that he is putting all his mental effort into coping with the noises and touch of other kids that he isn't reaching his potential with his work. I mentioned that Barney would like to sit on his own table, but didn't expect them to really like the idea. But they did! He now has his own special 'work station' at the side of the classroom. It is a desk with three tall sides on it, facing away from everyone else. It has his photo on it and different visual time tables. The idea is that he can sit there and not be disturbed visually by anyone else. But he is allowed to go back to his old table any time he wants to. I had thought that they might disagree with the idea as they don't want to make him different, or seperate from the other children. But I pointed out that Barney is really struggling with his friendships at the moment, and is constantly falling out with his friends. I think this is because he simply can not handle a full 6 hours with the kids. When I suggested that if he worked seperately from them, that he might then have the energy to play with the children at break time, and maintain his friendships, they all jumped at the idea. So we are giving that a try for a while. He is very pleased about it.

At break times and lunch times Barney no longer plays with the other children. His 'friends' are the dinner ladies, who all know him by name and know every detail about his life. He would much rather walk around the playground chatting to the dinner ladies than mixing with the other children. I guess that is just very typical Asperger. He has always enjoyed the company of adults far more than kids.

Social Story – Holiday to Turkey

2010-06-07T16:17:00.002+01:00

When Daddy and Barney recently took a trip to England, I made a laminated social story. A social story is a tool used with kids on the autistic spectrum to help them visualise in advance something that will happen. We don’t use them for everything with Barney, but we have found them very useful for the bigger things in life, as he gets very anxious about new experiences. In this situation they work really well. So here is the social story I have made for Barney about our trip to Turkey in one weeks time. The front page has the days of the week to countdown. This has a velcro arrow with it, which you can’t see in the photo. He moves the arrow along each day and it helps him to visualise how long it is until certain things will be happening.

Pages 1-7. Laminated.

Cluck, cluck, cluck

2010-06-07T13:22:00.001+01:00

Ok, so I am totally not getting enough time to keep up with my blog. I do want to. I just can’t magic any more hours into the day.

But I wanted to write a wee quick post about my sister’s hen party, which was held a few weeks ago. It is only one week until the entire family flies to Turkey for their wedding, and boy is the excitement building around here! There’s wedding outfits bought, summer clothes ready to pack, new shoes and swimming costumes being purchased and a real air of excitement with the kids.

I think M’s hen do was good craic! We all met at the Hilton in Belfast where we were taken by limousine to Mums country house.

Mum had a butler, waitress and an Iranian chef waiting for us. The butler and waitress spent the entire evening making cocktails for us girls, whilst the chef made the most beautiful meal. It was such a treat.

The following morning we headed down to the Farnham Estate hotel and spa for some pampering. Each of us had a luxury treatment and lounged around the pool for the day. In the evening we all enjoyed a lovely meal together. The food really was absolutely gorgeous. Like art! Too pretty to eat.

After our meal we were directed to ‘The Boudoir’ – the most amazing pink, gothic room. We opened the wine, played some games and then got M dressed up in a ridiculous outfit, and paraded her down to the hotel bar. Poor girl.

It was a memorable weekend and I hope M enjoyed herself. I know a lot of thought, time, money and effort went into it. But what fab memories! Now it’s time to prepare for the wedding. Bring it on Turkey!

Another post by Marty

2010-05-25T13:14:00.002+01:00

A good Mum,

I know how hard it is to be a good mum, I have done the staying at home with the kids thing while she was working, I have taken everything on when she has been unwell, and its the hardest job I have ever had to do, by a mile!

Venus is a Rock at the moment, on the go all the time. She is the engine room in this family, coping with everything, working so hard with Barney, knowing when to be soft and when to be firm. Working hard with the other kids and the house too. (A family this size and the house does not run itself) As well as that she is having to put up with me.

She has to find time to put "plans of action" into place, read books and attend meetings and support groups.

Social workers, doctors, Cenco`s, occupational therapists, teachers and head teachers, courses, forms, leaflets etc, etc etc, etc.

I would be totally lost without her.
x

Daddy time

2010-05-18T21:29:00.002+01:00

Some photos from Steve's phone. He likes to take Rosie for little walks, or trips to Starbucks. She's a right Daddy's little girl. He recently uploaded the photos from his mobile phone and I thought I'd make a little display of them.

Message from Marty...

2010-05-05T12:16:00.002+01:00

A Blog post by Marty,

The blog that Venus does is truly amazing and I love it. Its great to look back on all the things we have done as a family as well as a reminder of difficult and troubled times that every family has to overcome.

I just wanted people to know and I have chosen this way to tell people that I am having quite alot of personal difficulties at the moment. I am putting extra strain on this already tough family life.

Venus is supporting me in what I need to do; that is to spend some time away at mums and to look after the kids at weekends. This will be very Hard for Venus and the kids but its something I have to do.

I have never really put myself first in any situation in life and I am going to at this time. Mum is great to get on with and I love spending time with her, she always works long hours so I get a beautiful house in the country to myself as well (thanks mum x)

Myself and Venus are still the best friends and I don't really wish to go into my difficulties with anyone, so no awkward silences, just don't bring the subject up; if I need someone to talk to someone, I will ask :0)

Thought it would send tongues wagging if people thought we were apart the whole time.

Thanks in advance for your understanding. xxx

Sgusting!

2010-04-28T23:56:00.001+01:00

Blog writing has taken a bit of a back seat lately. To be honest it is just really hard to find the time. But I do find it very therapeutic and I like to hope that my family will look back on it in years to come with many fond memories.

It’s been hectic. I guess it always is. Emergency trips to A&E with Rosie, appointments for various people, visits from autism therapists, losing sleep due to kids with coughs and runny noses, getting assignments done and so on. Rosie is ok now (apart from the cough and cold) and her bowels seem to be returning to a functioning state now that she is on medication.

I am still studying my nutrition course. 10 modules done and 4 to go, so I’m getting through it. I was pleased to get an A for my essay on menopause, osteoporosis and diabetes. A monster essay which was really 3 essays in one. My next assignment is about weight loss, and I’ve lost half a stone in preparation for it! A little research never did any harm after all :)

It has been a tough week. I’ve done a lot of crying and felt a lot of sadness, not for myself but for my friends. The kids have been very understanding and Barney has been a real star. I keep reminding him that I am just a little sad at the moment, and he comforts me by telling me ‘its ok Mummy, the baby doesn’t have to suffer, she got to go straight to heaven’. The big kids have given me lots of hugs and if I am a bit grouchy with them they know why and don’t push it.

Rosie is suddenly learning to talk. She repeats everything now. Today I took her photo and Tarja said ‘say cheese’, to which Rosie replied ‘cheeeeeeese’ and we all laughed. Her favourite words at the moment are disgusting, gross, oh dear and oooh noooooo.

The NHS autism therapist has been coming out to see Barney for the last few months now. Being in the home she has gotten to see quite a bit of his natural behaviour. He has not wanted to do any of the work she’s set, will not talk to her about any of his issues and spends the entire 3 hour sessions either showing off, sulking or storming off and crying. I always feel that no one gets to really see the difficult issues we have with Barney’s behaviour apart from me and Marty. People sometimes get a glimpse into it, but it has become obvious to me from various comments people have made that they really don’t get how awful this situation can sometimes be. So today when the autism lady, F, sat me down to talk about Barney I was a bit taken aback.

To cut a long story short she said to me that Barney was posing a real conundrum to her. She doesn’t know what to do about him. Even with all her years of helping autistic children she is at a bit of a loss as to how best to help him. She has lots of ideas but it’s going to be a process of trial and error. She said that his high level of intelligence made it very difficult to work with him, because nothing gets past him and he is very hard to convince. She wanted to talk openly to me about Barney but didn’t want to offend me, so I told her not to worry about being offensive as all I wanted to do was to help him in any way possible. She basically said that the level of assistance Barney needs and the amount of time that he takes up is huge and that he is very controlling and dependant on me. She talked about Tarja and Jimmie attending Young Carers groups which would offer them support and advice, and a bit of a break from him. Then she said that she would like to take a 3 prong approach to helping him. She wants a family social worker involved, as well as a support worker, and F herself. Coming out to the house to see him is not working. He doesn’t take the sessions seriously and refuses to work. So next week the social worker, support worker, autism therapist and I are going to meet to thrash out some ideas. What F is suggesting is that he goes to a therapy centre where he has therapy in a room with a one way mirror. The support worker will work with him in that room and he will not know that his parents are watching through the mirror. F will be with us watching his behaviour and offering us advice and training in how to deal with it. The support worker will then come out once or twice a week to carry on with teaching him these life skills at home, and F will concentrate on teaching me the skills. The family social worker will be making sure the family as a whole is not suffering.

I was quite surprised. For the first time someone is seeing the situation in a worse light than I see it! But actually I think she is right. It is a relief that someone who knows about autism can see how difficult things are at the moment. I often wonder if people think that I whinge a lot and blow things out of proportion, and dramatise them. As Barney can behave pretty well when we have company sometimes. It is a relief to have someone actually tell me that they can see the amount of strain I am under, and they can see that I am having to cope with way more than is ‘normal’.

I don’t think I am being very eloquent here. I feel like I am not really expressing what I am trying to say. My mind is all over the place at the moment. I am stressed, unwell with this hacking cough, tired from constant broken sleep as Rosie also has the cough, and emotionally drained from the grief of my friends baby passing away. I guess I am not in the right frame of mind for positive thinking at the moment.

Baby Isobel, 21/4/2010, Rest In Peace little one...

2010-04-27T22:46:00.000+01:00

Today was the funeral of my dear friends baby girl. The hardest thing I have ever had to witness, and something I wish never to have to see again. I can't tell you the pain I felt for my friends today. Such sadness. This was one of the songs from the funeral. Rest in peace baby Isobel, who shall never be forgotten by those who loved her.

2010-04-22T12:14:00.002+01:00

I'm feeling so very, very sad today. So sad and useless. Sometimes life can be so unfair. I gave all my kids the biggest hugs this morning and really appreciated every moment I have had with them. Even through the tough times.
My heart is bleeding for my friend who has had the most awful news. I feel so useless as there is nothing I can do or say to take her pain away. Life can be so cruel, and shows no discretion about who it's cruelty falls upon. I'm so upset that I can't think straight.

Trip to England

2010-04-12T13:47:00.011+01:00

Blog post by Marty

Last week I took a wee trip to England with Luke on a four day adventure, and he had just the best time. He was a little worried about the plane and travelling but he coped so well. We almost had the airport to ourselves and there was not many people on our flight so we boarded last, nice and calm. The fun started as soon as we got to my parents house where lots of family members were meeting for Easter tea together. We had an Easter egg hunt after in Granny's house which Barney loved (he got two Easters this year), and it was great to catch up with all my family.

The next day Barney played with Granny and grandad and his cousins before C picked us up and we went out for lunch. Anybody that knows young Barney will know how much he loves C. From the moment she picked us up you could not part them, she is such a good friend and even said to me at one point "I might as well start calling you dad now" lol.

We spent two nights at Granny's and two at C's house. One day we all went to the seaside and C bought along her lovely niece. We went on the Romley, Hythe and Dymchurch railway and it was just amazing. My parents used to take me on that train ride when I was a little boy and it brought back so many happy memories. Within a few hours the two young ones had hit it off and were "in love." Poor Barney could not stop talking about her and had all his plans in action for an early wedding, including baking her a cake every year on her birthday, and when she is a bit older he will buy her flowers every month!

We did lots of other cool things while we where there too. C made lovely cheese straw biscuits with the kids (we want the recipe by the way girl) and also made meal times fun in the "Blue Towel Restaurant". C played a waitress and served them all their food in a really funny voice (it was called the blue towel because it was there to stop them making a mess.)

On the last day Granny and Grandad took us both out for a meal and Barney had a pudding for his main course.

The way home was much more stressing but young Barney did so well, I was so proud of him.

At the airport we ate sushi and he had a large sheet of paper strapped to his chest about how much he wanted to show his love for his new girlfriend.

A great time was had by all and big thanks to C and Granny and Grandad for everything. With flights this cheap I must turn up with a different child soon!

2010-03-28T00:08:00.016Z

Life is so hectic that I only get to blog if I stay up really late, way after everyone else is sleeping. But usually I am too tired to do that.

So here's a catch up blog post. Although I have so much to blog about that I can't possibly fit it all into one blog post!

So, spring has sprung and Rosie is loving the outdoors! All she wants to do is play outside in the garden. She can't comprehend that it is sometimes raining or too cold to go out. So she sits at the back door, banging at it and screaming. If someone does take her outside her little face lights up in delight. Fortunately for Rosie she has three big siblings who all adore her enough to take her out. Between the lot of us we bounce her on the huge trampoline, push her in Barneys old baby swing, take her for rides up the street in Barneys old push-along car, or play with her in the sandpit. Because she can't walk yet she actually grazes her little knees - through her trousers - from crawling across the patio. But she doesn't care because she just loves being outside.

She has had a bit of a dodgy hair cut - as you can see! Her fringe was always in her eyes, no matter how often we clipped it out of the way. So a cut was in order. But it is very hard to cut a wriggling baby's hair when they just won't sit still! It will look better when it grows a bit. Hehehe. At least she can see again!

Barney has been having a pretty good time of it lately - in comparison to how things have been. The medication is really working now and he doesn't get anywhere near as anxious as he had been. I keep reminding myself that the medicine is only a temporary measure, just to give him (and us) a break from the trauma. The last week he went into school without any tears at all. We are still doing the same routine of going in late, me staying with him in the staff room until he is calm enough etc. It is still taking him quite a while to get into class, but he goes when he is ready and he doesn't cry any more. Which is a hugely positive step in the right direction! I am so proud of him. But in the back of my mind I'm always dreading the inevitability of him coming off of the medication.

I am reading a book called 'Homeschooling The Child With Asperger Syndrome' at the moment. Marty and I have had a lot of discussions about it and we haven't yet come to any final decisions. I tried a little homeschooling weekend with Barney, without his knowledge. I basically let him learn about whatever he wanted to for the day, and he had the best time ever. He watched the new 'Wonders of the Solar System' BBC documentary, which is aimed at adults and not easy to understand. However he was transfixed by it! He went into school and told the entire class all about the planet Saturn; that its rings are made of ice, that it has its own moons etc. Then he spent an hour on youtube watching various movies about space. In the photo above he is watching a NASA documentary about the astronauts working on the space station. He decided that he needed a noticeboard in his bedroom because "I now study space Mummy and I need a notice board to put all my work on". We used some of his DLA money to buy a notice board and he's gotten busy filling it up with various space projects.

On Monday he had his first visit from F, the NHS Autism support lady (I totally have no idea what her official title is!) She spent almost two hours with him in our living room. He spent the entire two hours showing off. (As anyone who knows him can well imagine!!) She brought him a worry box, and a school/home schedule to follow each day. The idea of the worry box is that every time he has a worry, instead of coming to me in tears and panic he writes his worry down and posts it into the box. Then at the end of the day I empty the box, pick 5 worries to discuss and we set a timer to 10 minutes whilst we go over his worries. In theory it's a good idea; and it has worked for some of his smaller worries. But he has been hesitant to fill it with his darker concerns. The things that really tear him up when he's not on the medication. A few times he had come to me the way he does, panicking about death, or murder or whatever - but when I've reminded him to put it in his worry box he says no. On probing the matter it became obvious what the problem was. He doesn't want to have to be reminded of the sad worry later in the day. He said to me 'but if I put my worry about you dying into the box then we will have to talk about it again later and I will get all upset again'.

Barney and Marty as supposed to be going to England next week to visit family. Well, the idea of the trip isn't so much about visiting anyone. It's more to do with Barney having a practice run on a plane, and having some time with his Daddy. But whether on not he will get on the plane is anyone's guess! The tickets were dirt cheap, so it's no big loss if they can't go. Today I made him a book about the trip, as advised by every autism-person that I meet. He still keeps telling me that he might not be able to handle it. I hope he does as they would both have a great time together. Tarja is going away with her friend at the same time, so it will be only me and my first and last born at home. Here are a couple of pages from his book.

Another Tarja family video

2010-03-27T23:58:00.003Z

Tarja is quite enjoying making these video's. If you didn't see the one she made for her baby sister (a few posts down) then make sure to watch it. I bet it makes you shed a tear! This one if for her crazy family, and includes pics of all of us. Nice one Tarja. You're a real sweet heart. xx

Emily Rose

2010-03-21T18:38:00.001Z

Big sis made a beautiful video for her baby sis. So adorable. It made me cry.